Videogum

True Blood: The Bleeds Have Begun, Indeed

Sam is about to get MURDERED! He stumbled into the wrong bacchanalian field orgy. Marianne puts on her bull costume and asks for the ceremonial murderin’ knife, which is handed to her on a platter, as is the custom, and Tara licks his face one last time, but at the last second, Andy Bellefleur runs in from the forest and he shoots his gun at the ground, which is the one thing that can distract maenads, and now Sam is running, and everyone begins to scream. This party was a lot more fun when it was about having fevered sex and rubbing dirt on your tits. I don’t like it as much when it becomes a fevered screaming party. Marianne chases Sam through the woods. She has got her foam beast hands on because they’re not just for Halloween anymore. Sam turns into an owl. BYE SAM! Marianne is so sad about Sam turning into an owl before she could give him a back massage, demon-style, so she kills a rabbit. In the morning, Tara and Eggs wake up on the couch and they’re like “huh? What happened last night?” and Eggs is like “is my name still eggs?” and Tara is like “wait, your name is what?” and Eggs is like “I wish I had never asked that wizard to give me this stupid name.”

MEANWHILE:

Sookie and Hugo are trapped in the church basement. And Hugo has claustrophobia! I am at the edge of my seat wondering whether or not Hugo’s claustrophobia will get unbearable. They really know how to raise the stakes on this show. Steve comes down and demands information about vampires. If they give him information about vampires, he will give them a hot breakfast. YUM, I LOVE HOT BREAKFAST! But Sookie isn’t going to tell him anything because apparently she doesn’t care about hot breakfast? What a weirdo. Hugo is like, “I will tell you everything. My name is Hugo and her name is Sookie Stackhouse.” Really? That’s everything? But then Steve is like “Stackhouse! I knew enough about you to know that you were telepathic and to kidnap you and put you in the basement, but I did not know your last name.” Total pros over there. So he goes to get Jason, who thinks that he’s coming to get him because of Sarah, but it’s not because of her, although later she will shoot him. The good news is that the whole plot line of Jason being in the church training camp is over, because that was getting kind of boring.

Back in the basement, Sookie goes through all the merch.

She’s like “It’s sick how they teach children to hate. Through board games.” Hugo is like “Oh, PS, I am the one who gives away all the vampire secrets. Because my girlfriend was mean to me.” It’s weird how Sookie’s mind-reading doesn’t seem to work at all in this episode. She can’t read Steve’s mind to find out how he knows about Jason, and she couldn’t read Hugo’s mind to know that he was the bad guy all along? It’s probably interference from this anti-mind reading storage cage. Or not. Because then Sookie sends out the lamest bat signal.

Boy, I sure hope Barry had a pen and paper!

Also, the ladies on this week’s episode sure were in their underwear a lot!

The last one is an attempted rape, which I guess isn’t quite as sexy as the other ones. So, anyway, Barry tries to give Bill the message, but Bill is being held captive by his flapper vampire ex-girlfriend, and she is like “Let’s do the jitterbug,” and he’s like “The bleeds have begun.” (The Bleeds Have Begun is the name of my album.) But Eric hears Barry’s message through the wall and he runs just as fast as his little vampire legs will take him. But it doesn’t even matter because Godric is already saving Sookie from being raped. None of this really adds up, of course, because Sookie only claimed that Godric was in the basement, she never actually saw him or saw any evidence of him, she only heard Steve thinking about it last time, and if he knew who she was and that she was a mind-reader, he could have planted that information as a trap? But then it turns out that he is there? But he’s just wandering around in a sleeveless sweatshirt like nothing even matters?

“Oh, sorry, I was at an American Eagle photoshoot. Did I miss anything?”
–Godric

Back in Bon Temps, Tara is beginning to suspect that something is wrong with Marianne. Really? Well done, Encyclopedia Brown. She really cracked that case. Daphne tells Sam that Marianne is a maenad and then gives a really lazy and obtuse explanation of what the fuck is going on, which makes no sense, and Sam makes a lot of faces and points his gun all over, and then Marianne makes Eggs stab Daphne out on the dock overlooking the pond. That is Daphne’s favorite place! She is always there. She’s probably homeless, actually. Sad.

You know who else knows something is up? Lafayette.

He’s like damn, something is up.

So, Jason Stackhouse has been shot. Daphne has been stabbed. Vampire Bill has been almost staked. Sookie has been almost raped. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR. At this rate we can clear out this entire show by the end of next week. R.I.P.