Gwyneth Paltrow’s Recipe For Roasted Chicken

First off, you’re going to want to start with one completely over-inflated sense of self-importance that allows for the belief that you should show people how to cook something for some reason even though you don’t need to do that at all and probably shouldn’t, thickly glazed with your practiced air of faux-populism as if you were not born to a famous actress and a highly successful producer, raised in Hollywood and private boarding schools, before yourself becoming a famous movie actress (or “actor,” as you would probably say), who then married a rock star and named her first child Apple.

And one chicken.

You will also need:

  • 1 condescending description of a roasted, rosemary chicken with fingerling potatoes and a summer salad with homemade vinaigrette as “fast food”
  • A reference to the University of Southern California in which you clearly drop the definite article, English Lord-style
  • 3 medium-large references to your trip to the farmer’s market
  • Champagne vinegar (of course) instead of poor person vinegar
  • 1 use of the word “gorge” as an awful diminutive of “gorgeous”
  • 10 pounds of “leg grease”

Talk a lot about how much you just like fresh, good food, as if everyone in the world wouldn’t enjoy fresh, good food, especially if they had time to go to the farmer’s market every morning. Put everything into a Swarovski crystal bowl, and beat it with a gold-plated human bone until it is tender and bloody and raw. Put in oven. Call your personal pilates trainer. Do six hours of pilates. Make sure the helicopter has enough fuel in it in case you need to go on a no-fat latte run. And voila!

P.S. Goop is making videos now? SHUT IT DOWN. (Shut Goop down.)

(Thanks for the tip, Bryan and Andy.)