The Real Housewives Of New York: Mountain Mole Hill

One morning, Simon woke up and was like “AHHHHHHH! We don’t have any WINDOW TREATMENTS!” And by one morning, I mean every morning. It’s called the McCord Alarm Clock. Every day at 7:00 AM, Simon wakes his family with cold sweat night terrors about something super gay. So, he and Alex go to Zarin Fabrics to get some window treatments in an attempt to quiet Simon’s demons. Jill is sure that she has just the window treatments they will be looking for. “Do you have anything in desperate self-denial?” Perfect. The babies go running wild and Jill makes an interview comment about how wild they are. You know, all the women on this show are constantly giving Alex and Simon shit for the way that they raise their children, which seems preposterous to me. Enuff, ladiez! I’m not going to talk about how the other children in this show are secretly shuttled off to fat camp or have dead wastrel eyes because they’re only children and they take a village or something, but the point is people who live in glass townhouses shouldn’t throw hand-polished rocks imported from upstate. Anyone who not only willingly puts their children through the stress of being on a reality show but reinforces to those same children that being on a reality show is a worthwhile thing to do immediately forfeit their parenting criticism rights.

Anyway, now that the dry heave panic of not having any window treatments–what every man goes through–is over, the renovations are done and it is time to throw a party! Exclusively for other castmembers of the Real Housewives! Sounds like fun! Wait, what did I say? Not fun. What’s the other word? Oh right, living nightmare.

One last check to make sure everything is perfect. Let’s just straighten those framed promotional postcards that we got from the cool dispenser next to the bathrooms.

And make sure that the impossibly ugly, like you would have to be an ugly scientist who’d made an incredible discovery in your field to invent this, light fixture is just right.

How does my oversized photo of Alice Cooper look?

Hideous? Perfect! Simon and Alex obviously told their decorator that they wanted their apartment to look like a Smirnoff Ice commercial directed by Lenny Kravitz in 1998. But a nightmare. “Oh what beautiful GE appliances you have!” “Yeah, GE is the best.” “I’m so glad we paid all our own money for these GE appliances that we picked ourselves because they’re just the best on the market.” “Thanks, GE. Thanks for making such great products, I mean!”

Elsewhere, LuAnn invites Kelly to her girls night out. More like insufferable man monsters night out! Naturally, the talk turns to dating, because if there’s one thing everyone on this show knows a lot about, it’s ways to deal with feelings of almost unbearable loneliness!

Kelly seems like a lot of fun, I hope she doesn’t die. When you hang out with her you’re going to do stuff, like kill yourself. If I went on a date with Kelly I would take her to dinner and insist that she order the bullet salad. Or whatever she wanted. She could order the poisoned steak with a razor blade reduction if she wanted. The important thing is that she cleans her plate.

Meanwhile, Bethenny’s “token gay friend”* sets her up on a date with a model. What’s he a model of? Middle age?

When they sit down to eat she orders a Skinny Girl Margarita?. Nice try. As if that’s going to convince me that they exist. That’s like me going into a restaurant (on my date/suicide pact with Kelly) and ordering a Signature Gabetini. And the lady will have your finest Drano.

Regardless of how the date goes, Bethenny has made a pact with her lovable gay hairdresser that when she turns 40, if neither of them are involved, they will get married, because they’re in high school, doing that fake promises thing that lonely people in high school do. When Bethenny tells Jill about this plan, Jill says “I actually see that for you.” Nice, Jill. What she means, of course, is that Bethenny is trying so hard to become an entrepreneur that it’s going to be nearly impossible for her to find time for a serious relationship, but what she actually said is “I think that a fake non-relationship with your homosexual hairdresser that you made up as a dignity saving joke to mask the desperation of your non-existent love life makes a lot of sense. I’m going to join you in pretending that that is a viable reality, because neither of us wants to deal with the fact that we’re getting older and our lives are increasingly void of any recognizable value or meaning.” That’s what she meant.

But the real treat of the evening, of course, was the Kelly v. Bethenny rematch.

Holy shit. You guys have no idea how often I’m going to start saying “have you ever heard of mountain and mole hill?” I’ll give you a hint: VERY OFTEN. That is hilarious. Kelly Bensimon, you are the dumbest link. Goodbye. She’s incredible. Children are like “you’re impossible to deal with.” Someone should put her in a jar of embalming fluid and display her in a curious science museum. “Dumbest Garbage Monster.”

When she dies, instead of a sepia toned memorial video of all the great things she’s done, it’s just going to be this on an endless loop.

Kelly Bensimon
Model, Mother, Disaster, Domestic Abuser, Demon Of Existential Sadness, Fucking Idiot

*Et tu, Bethenny? What is it with these women and their mildly offensive insistence on having and parading around a token gay friend? I know this show is on Bravo but that doesn’t mean everyone has to be Kathy Griffin.