The Hills: God, Please Take Me Now

Heidi and Spencer got married last weekend. I suppose one could imagine a reality in which The Hills is like a documentary about the Civil War. Sure, you know how it’s going to end, but there is so much to learn about the epic battles that got us to that end. But even if it is possible to imagine such a reality, that is not the reality in which we actually live. In the reality in which we actually live, if we know Heidi and Spencer are going to get married, and we do know that, because they did, then please save us with the false drama over whether or not they’re going to break up. The most that that does is reinforce the idea that their relationship is a living nightmare of insecurity, disrespect, and cold water fear over what’s going to happen when all this goes bye.

Anyway, Heidi’s ex-boyfriend, Colby, who miraculously popped up at the restaurant in the season premiere, is coming to Hollywood for a visit. Later, near the end, when they think most of us have abandoned our TVs for the vomitorium, Spencer will say “I am glad you brought him down,” which means that Heidi orchestrated the visit? Which is definitely weird, although to be fair, I’m not even sure Colby’s an actual person. The whole episode, just like everything that happens in Heidi and Spencer’s lives, seems carefully orchestrated by a not very intelligent person who’s not actually that good at orchestrating stuff. Supposedly, Heidi thinks the visit will show Spencer what “normal” people are like. Sure. Whatever that means. But of course it doesn’t work out that way, and instead it’s just Spencer spending a weekend aggressively haranguing two people he barely knows for their belief in saving sex for marriage. Perfect.

Colby’s girlfriend tells Heidi that she doesn’t even recognize her from the photos of when she was younger. Yikes. Heidi gets real quiet and asks for all the cocktails. Gin keeps the plastic in her face shiny.

Spencer takes Colby boxing?

Is that a thing that people do? “You’re in town for the weekend and I don’t know you. Let’s go boxing. You know what, let’s bring this film crew with us.” Whatever. Spencer continues to grill Colby on how he maintains his sanity without having sex. He says that hanging out with Colby is like “hanging out with an alien from another planet.” Sure, although to be fair, hanging out with anyone must be like hanging out with an alien from another planet for Spencer. That planet being Earth. The strange and curious “human race” must prove constantly fascinating and confusing to his Corporeal Slug brain.

And, you know, it’s perfectly reasonable for people with two different life philosophies to have serious and inquiring discussions over how it affects their lives, but Spencer is just so rude and ignorant and mean-spirited that it’s hard to understand what the point of this whole episode is. Are we supposed to side with Spencer? Are we supposed to believe that children should subscribe to Playboy at the age of 14 and grow nightmare putty beards out of the skin of the weak on their goat chins as they plot to have their lives rendered meaningful by a television crew? The problem is that the bible camp couple isn’t much better.

Fornifacation? IS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD A MORON? And as much as I don’t personally subscribe to the southern baptist way of life, I’m totally willing to accept it as a code by which one can happily conduct one’s life. But dudes, be able to explain the origins of that code. Don’t let Spencer sound like he’s blowing this whole Bible Scam wide open just because you haven’t done the research.

Meanwhile, everyone else is in Hawaii. The girls have “crashed” Brody’s “boy trip” to Hawaii, because that’s what being in your early 20s is like. Everyone just goes to Hawaii and if someone’s not invited they go anyway. Duh. I can’t tell you how many trips to Hawaii I crashed in my day. Oh wait, yes I can. ZERO. Because I was WORKING. Because life does not revolve around creating false circumstances in which to get two of your friends to fake hook up as a minor plot point in the final season of your half-hearted reality show before you leave to do promotion for your Kohl’s line of sensible peasant blouses.

Do you want to know what the most exciting moment of last night was? It was this:

CAUGHT! Brody’s beer goof! That is more interesting than the entire history of Audrina’s hate and love relationship with Justin Bobby. I don’t care. Let her start a war. I don’t care.