The Real Housewives Of New York: Why Is No One Running These Women Over?

Last week, Jill completed the renovation of her apartment from a somewhat stuffy velveteen condo into Liberace’s barf basket. Did you know that Liberace once paid for one of his lovers to get cosmetic surgery to look more like Liberace? I’m only bringing that story up because of how much I feel like most of the people on this show would love to fuck themselves. And why do the producers think that we care about the relationship between Jill and her decorator? Oh, they’re fighting? Over whether or not the hideous way he does his job is particularly disgusting as it manifests itself in the living room coffee table? Is it a fight to the death? No? Then who cares. Meanwhile, the Countess told a girl who was fat that she was fat, which created a stir on the internet, but frankly seemed like the least of the Countess’s crimes. The girl said she wanted to be a model, and models are skinny. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Or hate the player AND the game, but at least acknowledge the game please. Speaking of games, the epic tennis match between Jill and Ramona and Mario finally took place, with the surprise twist that Jill brought Simon instead of a pro. You should have seen Ramona! Her eyes nearly (more) popped out of her head (than usual). I am so glad this tennis thing is over. Not only was it dumb and dull, but it actually made me feel bad for Simon, because he was clearly suckered into humiliating himself for the mild and ultimately unfulfilled amusement of Jill and Bethenny. Game, set, JERKS!

Moving forward.

Jill has a cocktail party to celebrate/promote a new line of eco-fabrics at Zarin Fabrics, whatever that means. What are eco-fabrics? You mean like this?

Kelly brings her boyfriend to the party, which drives Jill’s decorator Brad up the wall, you know, because he’s gay, and gay guys are so man crazy that they can’t control themselves in public. Just kidding. Brad’s horrible, outrageous over-reaction to Kelly’s boyfriend has nothing to do with him being gay and everything to do with him being the worst.

He should decorate himself a cab home.

Kelly interviews that she and her boyfriend are both totally spontaneous, and one of the ways we know they are spontaneous, in addition to being told, because telling people you’re spontaneous is one of the most spontaneous things you can do, is by having a “pillow fight” in the pillow aisle of Zarin Fabrics.

Sure. That’s a pillow fight. As much as this weird indeterminately foreign male model who speaks in malformed cliches is Kelly’s “boyfriend,” that is a “pillow fight.” They are just crazy spontaneous, you guys. Total firecrackers. You never know what they’ll do next, but you know that it will be wild stupid and for the benefit of the cameras.

Then this happened:

Um, what? Just in case anyone is reading/watching this who does not live in New York, if you ever come to visit, DO NOT RUN IN TRAFFIC. I don’t know what this vagina dentata in spandex is talking about, but we have the same feelings about running in traffic here as they do everywhere else in the world, which is basically that you should definitely avoid it. The only thing more insane than Kelly yipping through the streets of Manhattan as if that’s a real thing that people do is the cab driver’s insistence on not running her the F over.

Bethenny takes her muffins to a grocery store to promote her line of Skinny Girl whatever, but no one cares. Bethenny is like “I am used to charging thousands of dollars for an event with hundreds of people lining up for autographs.” What event would that be, Bethenny? Look, I like Bethenny. But she can stop acting like she’s the keynote speaker at the TED Conference.

It’s Jill’s birthday, so she makes her husband buy her a hand-made purse for $16,000. Sure. It’s a whole ordeal, with a private meeting with the purse designer and everything. It’s basically the rich person’s version of this. All of which would be fine, because rich people spend a lot of money on stupid shit, that is just the way it works, and I know that and I have made peace with it, but then Jill has the incredible nerve to bring up the economy. “I didn’t think it would be appropriate in this economic climate to get myself an expensive present…” Don’t you dare, Jill Zarin. She should drop $16k on some self-awareness! Five minutes later, her husband surprises her with a brand new Mercedes SUV for her birthday, in addition to the handbag, which she immediately complains about because it won’t let her play her iPhone through the stereo, and her husband says he’ll keep the car and get her a different one and she says “OK” like duh of course you will or I will divorce you, so maybe what she meant was that in this economic climate she didn’t think it would be appropriate to not be a total fucking asshole.

The Cuntess continues to prepare her manners book. She’s like one of those businessmen who get fired from their job but still dress up in a suit everyday and ride the subway with their briefcase until it’s time to go home for dinner. Except that she doesn’t have a job. And she would never deign to get on the subway. The point is that she should be fired. From life. This is funny though:

Co-writer. Right. 50-50 on the writing, I’m sure.

But easily the best moment of the show came when Simon’s surprise for Alex’s birthday was “ruined.”

Just to clarify, the big surprise for her birthday was…a cab ride home? And he got mad because he was going to trick her by driving five minutes out of the way and then turning around and taking her home? SURPRISE! No wonder he is so mad. I would be mad too if someone revealed that I was an idiot right away, instead of delaying the reveal for five minutes before turning the cab around and then revealing that I was an idiot.

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

“Well I don’t like you now, so I don’t think it will make much of a difference.”