An Open Letter To Beyonce Regarding Her Nintendo DSi Commercial

Dear Beyonce,

You seriously need to fire your publicist, dude.

By all accounts you seem like a classy, sophisticated woman. You’ve created some really great hits, and even invented a YouTube sensation. All in all, 2008 was a banner year for you, and there’s no reason that 2009 shouldn’t have carried you along that upward trajectory.

But lately there have been some pretty serious mistakes. First there’s the whole Sasha Fierce thing, which is just like what? You are an adult! I know that fame makes people crazy and cuts their tether to the normal human world that the rest of us live in, allowing them to float up into the thin air of grandiose self delusion, but even the 12-year-olds to whom a flashy nickname seems intended to appeal are like “Um, Sasha Fierce sounds like a drag queen, whatever that is, I’m 12.” And then there was the Academy Awards in which you performed a musical medley with Hugh “My Pants Are Soaked With My Own Pee” Jackman, which would have simply been a dull but completely acceptable lateral career move for you, if it hadn’t involved a mostly tame but still mildly embarrassing nip-slip. That won’t do! A Queen B doesn’t have nip-slips!

And now there is this Nintendo DSi commercial in which you seriously look like you have the mental acuity of a baby. THIS IS SOME FLOWERS FOR ALGERNONS SHIT! I’m not saying that you’re actually a slack-jawed drooling simpleton who finds a healthy set of housekeys completely transfixing, but I am saying that in this commercial you look like a slack-jawed drooling simpleton who finds a healthy set of housekeys completely transfixing. Come on, lady! Put your hands up! In frustration! As you fire whoever in your life is making these decisions that you are obviously not making for yourself for you!

Lindsay Robertson