The Real Housewives Of New York: Ferrari Red In Tooth And Claw

Yes! The claws are out! Women be clawin’! After all of the excitement of Fashion Week in the last episode, it’s time to find out what really happens when people (people=nightmarish depictions of the soullessness of our modern age) stop being half-polite and start getting half-real. Kelly vs. Bethenny! Mario vs. Jill! Ramona vs. Simon and Alex! You have no idea how disappointing it is that these are just semi-staged arguments for a reality TV camera crew, and not full on bloodsport grudge matches. Well, that’s not fair, you have some idea. You are, after all, human, and as humans we have all tasted the bitter frustration of the Real Housewives not murdering each other. What I’m saying is why couldn’t someone have yelled THIS…IS…CONSTANCE and kicked Kelly down a hole? Whatever, this is still pretty good TV.

First up: Kelly vs. Bethenny.

So, last week, at Jill’s arthritis foundation planning committee meeting, Kelly showed up late, called Jill’s daughter’s arthritis “cute,” and then proceeded to explain that she would not put her name on the invitation because she doesn’t even have time for her own charities, whatever that means (I think it means she’s too busy going to court to defend herself against charges of vagina dentata. Her vagina literally has teeth in it, and they’re huge).

So naturally, she’s pretty upset that Bethenny made an off-hand remark about her. Anyone who was completely deluded as to their importance in the world and the way they look to other people (hint: miserable) would be. So, she decides to be an adult about the situation, and do what an adult would do, which is invite Bethenny to get a drink, show up 30 minutes late, and then immediately barrage her with the most insane, condescending, self-indulgent, vagina dentata-y, boorish, infantile monologue of deluded self-aggrandizing ignorance that has ever been barraged. Seriously, it is incredible.

Perfect. As a sign of just how confused Kelly is about how she looks to other people (like this, basically), she spends the rest of the episode pretending to casually explain the situation to everyone else, when there’s nothing casual about it and she has clearly prepared her spiel for everyone. What’s more, it’s not working. Luann is like “I used to say you can’t cunt a cunter, but it turns out you can.”

Even Kelly’s date is unimpressed.

But you can’t really trust him. He foraign.

All night long, Kelly is like “whatever, it doesn’t even matter, I don’t even have time for this,” which is Wretched Idiot for “I have nothing in my life of meaning or substance, and thus this takes up the entirety of my brain.” The absolute worst.

Then: Mario vs. Jill.

It’s all about a tennis game or something? I don’t even know. Forget it, Gabe, it’s Horrifying Insufferable Rich Disasters Town.

If there had been a blood pressure monitor on Jill’s arm, her blood pressure would have gone up. Zing? This whole thing seems like a tempest in a teapot, and by tempest I mean everyone should shut up, and by teapot I mean Mario might be gay.

The final fight of the evening is between Ramona and Mario and Simon and Alex. It all revolves around the nude photos of Alex that surfaced last spring. Remember those? You remember.

The issue seems to be that Ramona and Mario are upset because they brought Simon and Alex to a party a couple of days before those photos surfaced, and it embarrassed them in front of their friends. Which makes sense, although one imagines that anyone who would be friends with Ramona and Mario would be difficult to shame or embarrass. Simon and Alex, on the other hand, make the point that one time Ramona kissed someone on the cheek who had been in Playboy so they should shut up. Hm. OK. Well, I think there’s only one way to settle it.