M/F/K: The Real Housewives Of New Jersey

Ay-ay-ay. Yup. Bravo has announced a new Housewives spin-off, premiering May 12: The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Boom goes the mind-amite. It’s going to be like The Black Real Housewives of Atlanta Plus Kim, but with white people, but basically the same. Wealthy-ish woman trapped in the harshest status anxiety-fueled McThunderdrome of back-stabbing competition, because what else is there to do? I’m not throwing Jersey under the bus, I’m just saying that when this show gets within 10 miles of an Outback Steakhouse and an outlet mall, shit gets real.

Now, as is the tradition, it’s time to play Marry, Fuck, Kill with the new ladiez! Although, Bravo hasn’t released their air-brushed bio photos yet, so we’re going to have to mostly go off of this low-res group photo (from L to R) and DESCRIPTIONS OF THEIR PERSONALITIES. Yuck. I mean, that’s still fine for Kill, and we’ll probably even get a Marry or two in there, because of how sometimes things look better on paper, but no one has ever wanted to Fuck someone for their personality. Ever. It’s called Human Nature and it’s famous.

Jacqueline Laurita
A former cosmetologist, she is now a stay-at-home mom, but still loves to pamper herself. She has a teenage daughter from her previous marriage and a 6-year-old son with her husband Chris, who owns wholesale apparel businesses and is brother to Caroline and Dina.

Fuck. I’m not an ageist (I am absolutely an ageist), but I don’t think I’m going to have much success building a meaningful, non-kind-of-weird, non-kind-of-spiteful relationship with Jacqueline’s teenage daughter, so that rules out Marry. And if I kill Jacqueline, then her 6-year-old son will grow up with the bitter hatred of a vengeance baby, and he will dedicate the rest of his life towards revenge killing me, Batman Begins style. He’ll be up in the Tibetan mountains and shit, learning how to murder with his eyes closed, one foot on a wooden pylon. No, better to just fuck her and then get the hell out of there.

Teresa Giudice
Born and raised in New Jersey, her husband Joe owns a successful construction company. Together they have three young daughters, who take up much of her time. A friend of Dina and Caroline, she also loves to shop, get spa treatments and spend time at her beach house on the Jersey Shore.

Marry. I love getting spa treatments and spending time at a beach house! And since she doesn’t seem to have much of anything else going on in her life, we won’t ever have to pretend like we have something to talk about. Just sitting on the porch of the beach house feeling refreshed from the day at the spa, drinking white wine spritzers and not saying a single word. You know, like marriage.

Danielle Staub
“You either love me or you hate me, there is no in between,” says the single mom of two daughters. She prides herself as one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey. She is also active in her local parish and regularly attends mass. She and Jacqueline are friends.

Kill. Relax, Danielle, we all hate you. As you said, there is no in between, but there’s no loving you, either. Just hate or hate. If there’s any conflict it’s over whether people love to hate your or hate to hate you, but the important thing is that they definitely hate you. Just like how you hate you. You will die the death of a thousand cuts, and I don’t mean in the metaphorical way of a slow bleeding out of your soul and happiness in a world that refuses to let you live your life. I mean I’m going to sharpen the edge of your American Express Black Card and I’m going to cut you with it. A thousand times.

Dina Manzo
Founder of the nonprofit Project Ladybug, which helps children with cancer, she’s also an interior designer, an event planner, mother and best friends with her sister Caroline. Her husband Albert works with his brother (Caroline’s husband) at their family’s catering business.

Fuck. With the exception of Danielle, every other cast member has some kind of tangential relationship to the Manzos, making them the most powerful women in the cast. Power, I have read, is an aphrodisiac! And if you look at this woman’s face, we’re gonna need all the power we can get! Just kidding (not kidding at all). Dina and Caroline are the Master Blaster of this Thunderdome. Two Manzos enter, one Manzo leaves.

Caroline Manzo
She’s a mother of three and own a real estate firm and a line of children’s accessories. Described as a “feisty spitfire,” she’s Dina’s sister and is on the board of Project Ladybug. She’s married to Albert Manzo, brother of Dina’s husband Tommy. Dina and Caroline’s brother is Jacqueline’s husband Chris.

Kill. Or maybe they’re not like Master Blaster. Maybe they’re more like the Highlander. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. I’m not saying that someone should chop Caroline Manzo’s head off with an ancient, magical sword. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that one way or another, we have to drain her of her power and absorb it into ourselves, and that chopping her head off with an ancient, magical sword is probably a more efficient way to do that than, you know, marrying her.