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The Story Behind The “Don’t Put It In Your Mouth” PSA

INT. PSA DEVELOPMENT CONFERENCE ROOM – NIGHT

Three men in rumpled suits sit slumped around a table littered with Chinese take-out boxes and crushed, empty Styrofoam coffee cups. One man gets up and moves to an orange and brown-colored coffee maker on a sideboard in the corner of the room. He pulls a fresh Styrofoam cup off the top of a stack, and lifts the coffee pot, which has a thick sludge of lukewarm, bitter coffee dregs shifting at the bottom.

MAN 1
What do you think you’re doing?

MAN 2
If we’re going to be here past 9, I need coffee.

MAN 1
No you don’t. Coffee is for closers.



The second man dejectedly puts down the coffee pot and slumps back into his seat.

MAN 1
Read back what we’ve got.

MAN 3
Kids’ health, kids’ safety, got to keep kids healthy and safe, what do kids love? Kids love candy. That’s it.

MAN 2
What if we have a police officer who arrests kids who are sick and takes them to jail, and at the end it says “Don’t Get Sick, Kids, For Your Own Good.”

MAN 1
No. But sick kids is good. How did the kids get sick?

MAN 3
They ate poison.

MAN 1
They ate poison? What poison?

MAN 3
Cyanide.

MAN 1
OK, I think that’s a little specific.

MAN 2
They put Cyanide in their mouths!

MAN 1
OK, you guys need to relax on the Cyanide thing.

MAN 3
Hey, kids, don’t put that Cyanide in your mouths.

Man 1 puts his head in his hands. A SECRETARY enters the room and tells Man 1 that his wife is on the phone. He excuses himself. Man 2 and Man 3 sit in absolute silence until he returns.

MAN 1
Well? Any progress?

MAN 2
I really think this Cyanide thing is going to work.

MAN 1
Gary, you’re killing me here.

MAN 3
Well, if we can’t say Cyanide, what if we just made the whole thing into a vague, innuendo-laden song that kind of sounds like it’s about penises?

GARY
Don’t put it in your mouth until you ask someone you love. It being a penis! Or a knife! I could imagine kids putting “things” in their mouths all night!

MAN 1
Boys, I think we might be onto something. Gloria!

The Secretary returns to the conference room.

MAN 1
Gloria, could you make a fresh pot of coffee for these closers. We’ve got some poorly imagined double-entendres to create!

THE END.

(Thanks for the tip, Cole.)