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The Pick Up Artist 2: Friends Don’t Let Friends Be On This Show

There is no Sexual Quickfire Challenge this week since it’s down to the final three. There is only one challenge, and it is the most dubious and uncomfortable yet. More dubious and uncomfortable than going to a Phoenix-area Denny’s and pretending to hit on “swimsuit models”? Yes. Because this week, each of the boys will be reunited with one of their best friends, and the challenge is to teach those friends what they have learned. Whoever takes the most from the 24-hour crash course in douchebaggery and manages to F-Close a girl at the bar wins the challenge.

In all seriousness, the psychological pain that one would suffer simply by HAVING a friend appear on this show is so unbearable to even imagine that I can’t understand what kind of MAGIC RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON THE POWER OF TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING they must have with their friends to convince them to participate in this. Is it me? Do I not understand the true meaning of friendship. No. It is not me. These men have made a terrible mistake.

First, the boys give all their friends new avatars. If you remember from the first episode, avatars are created with graphic tees and horrible piercings. Matt has some trouble with his friend Chuck, who’s uncompromised skepticism and visible discomfort instantly make him the best person on this show. He explains to Matt that he really wants to keep the “douche levels” in check. “Are you saying that my douche levels are too high?” Matt asks nervously. Um, I’m not even friends with Matt, but I have the courage to answer honestly: YES, Matt, your douche levels ARE CRAZY TOO HIGH. So Chuck resists letting Matt die his beard fluorescent pink and shaving “Pussy Police” into his eyebrows. Simeon’s friend Ryan, however, goes all out.

Ryan should win this show even though he’s not a contestant, just by the sheer fact of having earned an entire season’s worth of humiliation in one episode. Here he is getting some Pro Tips from Simeon, the Spazzmanian Devil:

Hey, what’s up Matador. Just a couple of dudes practicing their Kino Escalation. You know, friendship stuff.

Meanwhile Greg THE LIAR’s “family friend” (yeah, RIGHT!) Darrick, is just a total nerd who needs so much work. Good luck getting a diamond out of that lump of coal, Greg. Just look at him:

Classic nerd six pack. He’s probably too embarrassed to even leave the house.

At the club full of beautiful women, the friends will go in alone and try to meet all the girls, but they’ll each be afforded one break at which point their teachers will be able to give them some pointers. It’s mostly a lot of normal dudes shuffling around looking uncomfortable because they haven’t had three weeks to get Stockholm Syndrome towards Mystery and his Nightmare School of Social Horrors. Greg THE LIAR tells his friend to just be confident, at which point I kind of expected Darrick to just say “Oh, confident! You mean like when we’re both trying out for movie roles in Hollywood because of how we’re actors? Got it!” and then go fuck someone in the bathroom. Matt tells his friend to relax and have fun, as if that’s something that you can do while being taped trying to score ugly trim in a Phoenix bar on a Wednesday night. Simeon’s advice is the most textbook, with strict guidelines for how to sublimate your own personality in favor of a carefully developed series of social signifiers that will allow one to get a phone number without ever revealing a single detail about one’s obviously tortured inner struggle with the limitations of one’s self.

In the end, although Matt’s friend Chuck does manage to use his teddy bear charm to get a girl to tell him she has a boyfriend, it’s Simeon’s “too willing to jump right into this thing” friend Ryan who wins the challenge, earning Simeon immunity from elimination. Which means it’ down to Matt and Greg THE LIAR for elimination.

On the one hand, Matt had trouble getting Chuck to comply to Mystery’s Law that All Men Must Look Like Garbage Clowns From A Sadness Convention. Not that Mystery is a beard hater?

But it’s that kind of failure to get your friends involved in a sexual pyramid scheme that makes Matador SO MAD.

Whoa. Matador is really mad. I have never seen Matador that mad before. Relax, Matador.

In the end, Greg THE LIAR is eliminated, which is a relief because it reinstates my faith in this show. I don’t have a lot of it, but what I have is reinstated.

Next Week: The season finale! Who can kiss the fastest? Seriously, that’s how they promoted it, it’s a challenge to see who can kiss the fastest!