Gossip Girl: Be Thankful I Don’t Talk About Serena And Aaron Rose

It’s Thanksgiving! As the episode opens we’re told that while for most people Thanksgiving is a holiday where families come together and give thanks, on the Upper East Side it returns to its roots of lying, manipulation, and betrayal. POLITICAL. This is TOTALLY what happened to the Native Americans when European settlers arrived. They cracked wise about Century 21 and talked about how much they hated their mom’s new boyfriend, even if he was the scion to an impossible fortune. Classic pilgrim stuff. NOT!

So Blair still hates Wallace Shawn for some reason. He is ruining Thanksgiving! By having a family! She comes downstairs to find him eating the pumpkin pie that she made Derota prepare according to her father’s recipe and is, like, so heartbroken. Because of how hard Derota worked on that pie. Although, to be fair, Wallace Shawn does say that while the pie is delicious, quote “the ratio of cinnamon to nutmeg? Not enough!” That doesn’t mean anything. If you’re going to criticize a pie, criticize a pie, but don’t just toss words around. Derota confesses that Wallace Shawn has asked Blair’s mom to marry him, but they are keeping the engagement a secret until both families are together. Blair considers this to be the worst thing her mother has ever done. Really? I’ve only known Blair since season one, episode one, which means there were 17 whole years of Blair’s life that I have not seen, but even in this past ONE year, I feel pretty confident that Eleanor Waldorf has done worse things than keep a secret for 18 hours.

Meanwhile, Jenny is still pursuing her legal emancipation from Rufus. The woman at the Emancipation Office gives her some forms to fill out and explains that once the process begins there will be an investigation into her parents to ensure that it makes legal sense to separate Jenny from her family. Jenny is surprised that her parents would have to be notified. Oh, she is totally ready to own and operate her own multi-million dollar international clothing line. When she looks at the world she just sees Matrix lines.

Fucking idiot.

Jenny has been staying with Eric Van Der Woodsen Bass at the Bass high rise penthouse because apparently Eric is super into Jenny’s pursuit of legal emancipation from her parents. But then Lilly and Bart get home from Necker Island. SHOUT OUT TO NECKER ISLAND. Google it, it’s the best. Lilly tells Rufus that she’s going to let Jenny stay with them until he calms down, because that is what parents do. They thwart each other, especially when a child has run away from home. But then Lilly finds the emancipation documents and calls Rufus and says “I’ve been grappling with what to do all day, who to talk to first.” All day, huh? I don’t have children of my own, so I can only imagine the struggle it must be deciding how to best simultaneously raise someone else’s.

Rufus and Dan show up at the Bass household on Thanksgiving and Bart is like “whuuuuut?” and Rufus tells Jenny that he loves her and that he won’t stand in her way if she wants to go to court to be legally emancipated because he loves her too much. So Jenny storms off, because love means never having to not be a the c-word.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, THOUGH, Jenny runs into Blair and Derota on the street. NATCH. Blair is boycotting Thanksgiving with Wallace Shawn, and Jenny is crying because she’s an asshole. Long story short, Eleanor Waldorf arrives in a limousine or something, and Blair agrees to come home only if Jenny has to go home to her own family. The Humphreys are reunited, Jenny tears up her emancipation papers, Lilly and Eric show up because they found out that Bart Bass had been spying on them and the first thing you do when you find out your new husband has been using a private investigator to collect information on your children is go to your ex-boyfriend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner? Doesn’t she know that only makes creepy spies want to creepy spy more?

Back at the Waldorf household, it turns out that Eleanor wasn’t trying to keep the engagement to Wallace Shawn a secret so much as the fact that Blair’s dad came home for her favorite holiday, all the way from Ibiza or whatever. Blair is so happy. Blair’s dad is so gay.

Meanwhile, Nate’s father is back and he wants Nate and Mrs. Nate’s Father to move with him to the Carribean. He also wants them to all grow pencil moustaches.

Nate’s dad explains that he put enough money away in a tax-free offshore bank account for them to all live happily ever after. Yikes. I know that we have to judge all the parents on this show by a different standard, but urging your child to enter a fugitive’s life with you off of the remnants of your embezzled fortune is off the charts even by Gossip Girl standards.

Luckily for Nate, he doesn’t have to make the decision alone, because AN FBI AGENT tells VANESSA (?) about how Nate’s dad is trying to kidnap Nate and Mrs. Nate’s dad to extort money from Nate’s grandparents. Vanessa asks Chuck Bass for help, and the two of them encourage Nate to sit down with the FBI agent in Rufus’s art gallery in Brooklyn (OK!) and listen to what he has to say.

Incredible. It was one thing when the CEO of Fashion Corp. encouraged Jenny to legally emancipate herself so that she could start a clothing line, but now the United States government approaches children without parental consent or supervision? Forget it, Jake, it’s Gossip Girl Town. Nate decides to make his dad turn himself in, and then he decides to ask Vanessa out on a date. I’m not sure which of those was a more difficult decision. Vanessa is the worst. Seriously:

The worst. It says that in the notes I took last night for today’s recap. It says “Century 21 joke” and then “Vanessa is the worst.” Although, she does have a point. No one feels like seeing Jenny. And to be fair to Vanessa, she’s not nearly as bad as both Serena and Aaron Rose. I’m not even going to bother with their storyline because it didn’t involve the two of them digging into a Turduckrazorbladen.