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Fuck You, Showtime House

Even if we WEREN’T stuck in the midst of an economic collapse, and we ARE, and even if people weren’t losing their jobs in the tens of thousands and having their homes foreclosed upon, this lame publicity stunt on the part of Showtime Networks would still be THE WORST:

Showtime Networks and Metropolitan Home present the Showtime House: a transformation of a $20 million, 19th century Gramercy Park townhouse into a beacon of modernism inspired by six Showtime original series.

BARF. Oh that poor house, surviving more than a century of New York City development and disrepair only to be turned into this bogus nightmare. Even if Showtime came to its senses and pulled the plug on the project, we’d still have to burn the townhouse to the ground. Because of shame.

Let’s take a hatefilled look inside, shall we?

The L Word-themed Room

Focused on the fine art of seduction from an all-girl point-of-view, Vicente Wolf conjures up a boudoir designed for more than sleeping. Wolf captures the seductive and eccentric essence of this group of L.A. friends with a bedroom suite, glittering bathroom, and to-die-for shoe closet, all designed for casting aside the worries of the day with wild abandon.

Entire families lived out their lives here, with all its joys and pains. People have probably died in this room. Now it’s the fucking L Word room. All of those ancestors whose shoulders we’re standing on are like, “Um, can we have our shoulders back now?”

The Californication-themed Room

A new bestseller may be just a few keyboard clicks away for Californication’s Hank Moody now that Jamie Drake has taken him in hand and pointed him toward a new muse. With Moody as his model, Drake conjures up a sophisticated, slightly hedonistic writer’s study and spa filled with thought-provoking, inspirational elements destined to help the distracted writer turn the page on his past and pen again.

What does Hank Moody write about? Having horrible taste in everything? That is the ugliest room I have ever seen. The chandelier is made out of paperclips. Seriously. Because don’t you get it, he’s a writer? The only thing that could redeem this is if that was actually Chairy from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

The Tudors-themed Room

Passion, intrigue and the antics of the most head-rolling royal of all, Henry VIII, all play their part in Laura Kirar’s imagination as she creates a provocative, yet contemplative, living room where the surly ruler can dial down his inner drama king. Kirar captures the spirit of the Tudors period and applies a modern spin by mixing in clean-lined silhouettes, bold graphic patterns and simple elegant furnishings that lighten the heavy look of Tudor times.

What’s The Tudors?

The United States of Tara-themed Room

Dark versus light, raw versus refined – these contrasting elements drive Tori Golub as she designs a dreamlike bedroom for a “crowd” of personalities that live within one character, Tara. Touching on aspects of Tara’s multiple identities, Golub dreams up a stylishly surreal bedroom suite in which any, and all, of this modern-day Sybil’s personas can find rest.

Um, this show isn’t even on yet. So, if the designer’s goal was to be really evocative of a show that I think is the one written by Diablo Cody or something but who knows because no one’s ever seen it, then SUCCESS. Since Golub touched upon aspects of Tara’s multiple identities for her design, I’m going to assume that Tara is an ugly leather chaise that thinks it’s an ugly painting.

The Weeds-themed Room

By torching her home and everything inside, Weeds’ drug-dealing Nancy has opened the door for White Webb to help her embrace all things organic…legally. White Webb teams up with Mother Nature to create a chic living room lounge where Nancy can hide away and find comfort surrounded by natural elements like grasscloth-covered walls, a hemp rug, verdant greens and biomorphic shaped furniture.

The simple fact that I can even see this room and it isn’t obscured by so much bong smoke makes this an obvious FAIL. Sounds like someone wasn’t paying enough attention in Literal Design School where you learn how to translate every concept into its simplest most reductive visual metaphor. Oh, the rug is made out of hemp? Nevermind.

The Dexter-themed Room

With a blood-splatter analyst-cum-vigilante killer as her inspiration, Amy Lau takes dining to a newly dramatic level. Dashing Dexter is focused on perfecting the craft of both his day and night jobs with the hope that the two worlds never collide. In turn, Lau serves up a room in which Dexter can spill red wine without anyone noticing and discard the chicken bones with abandon.

This room is the worst. Even the write up, “Dexter can spill red wine without anyone noticing,” is the worst. It is a pointless waste of space with only a tangential relationship to the thing it’s supposed to promote and yet somehow by being the most visually arresting and thoughtful of all the rooms, it encapsulates the very essence of the Showtime House (sorry, Californication Room), and in doing so reminds us that the Showtime House is the worst. Unless this is all just a long con set up for Showtime’s 2009 series about burning beautiful old homes that have been destroyed by misguided crass commercialism to the ground, in which case good work, Showtime House. You nailed it.