The Hills Continues To Pretend Heidi Montag Ever Had A Job To Begin With

This week’s episode was mostly a big run up to Whitney Port’s spin-off, The City. Kelly Cutrone was like “Whitney and Lauren, I need you to come to New York immediately and pretend like you are working so that we can establish the exciting romantic intrigue that awaits Whitney in the big city.” Blah. Caring about who Whitney Port is or is not going to date is like caring about whether bathwater is tepid or lukewarm. Either way, it’s going to be an unsatisfying bath! Perfect metaphor. Three gold stars. Junior league champion.

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, we pick up where we left off last week, with Heidi Montag pretending to be sad after getting fake fired from her never-existent job. You know, this show is already a slap in the face to 99.9 percent of the world population who must work to feed their families and for whom “Latte Drinking” does not appear on their resume under either Skills or Objective, but to perpetuate the lie that Heidi Montag is a professional who is struggling with the real life ups and downs of office life is actually offensive. Work is hard enough as it is without MTV coming around and putting the dick back in your mouth.

Anyway, Heidi is “sad” about losing her “job”:

Right. That is a normal reaction to having lost your job of three years. “Makeup makeup makeup. I can’t believe it. Makeup makeup.” Your boyfriend is like “I think you did the right thing by getting drunk at that party, even if it got you fired, it was obviously worth it. In fact, let’s go party right now.” And you’re like “OK, maybe you’re right.”

AND THEN WHAT YOU DO is go to a party THROWN BY YOUR FORMER EMPLOYER. Perfect. You’re a genius and your boyfriend is a genius, and you’re both geniuses and you should get genius married on genius beach and have two genius kids. Or just drop genius dead.

Not that we even need to add more suspicions to this, since it’s all so blatantly obvious, but isn’t it a little odd that Spencer orders them two waters and insists they shouldn’t drink when they are supposedly out on the town celebrating Heidi’s newfound unemployment? The only reason for not drinking would be to avoid the embarrassing mistake of their attendance at the previous Bolthouse event, in which case Heidi still has some kind of relationship with them, or something, what? And also, what? And furthermore, what?

Although the stuff about telling Spencer that he’s a nightmare all seems pretty believable. I feel like this show is hard to edit because 90 percent of the job is just working around people telling Spencer that he’s a nightmare.

So, because everything in this situation has been done by the book, Heidi goes up to her boss at a party and is just like “Hey, sorry about getting fired. You should give me a new job,” and her boss is like “Well, maybe, but your boyfriend is a jerk.” It must be hard for reality to watch this show because it’s like looking in a mirror.

ENOUGH. Heidi Montag did not, does not, and has never worked for Bolthouse Whatever beyond the capacity of convenient marketing tool. Emphasis on tool. LAZY ZINGS FOR A LAZY SHOW.