True Blood: You Ain’t Seen Terrible Yet!

Well, you have. Obviously you have. If you have watched one episode of True Blood, you have seen terrible. But last night was something special. So Vampire Bill went to Vampire Court or whatever, and that was hilarious because Vampire Court is very “Mad Max Vampires on Ice” or something. It was like a musical about Junkyard Vampires, without music. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, unless you saw what I am talking about, and then it makes all of the sense. I like that Bill’s punishment was reduced from a crippling imprisonment that would leave him broken and insane to just having to turn a human being into a vampire. What? In the vampire world, isn’t that basically the equivalent of having your punishment reduced from going to jail or having a delicious snack? True Blah! Get it? You get it.

But the actual worst part of last night’s episode was this scene in which Sam explains to Sookie why/how he can change into a dog and stuff:

Humans are too complex, despite what you might see at the bar. True Zing! Um, so now there are mind readers, vampires, shapeshifters, and werewolves in this show, and the open ended promise of “more than you can imagine.” Perfect. I am imagining someone in charge of what gets turned into a TV show thinking better and pulling the plug on this disaster. Is there one of those, Sam? Do those exist?

There must be something like the Kübler-Ross model of grief for bad TV. Like:

  • Confusion
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Ironic Viewing Parties

Science! I think we’re definitely on the fifth and final stage at this point, because there is no bargaining left to be done. All of you True Blood defenders must be wearing yourselves ragged, stuck as you seem to be in the second or fourth stages of the Kübler-Ross-Delahaye model of bad TV grief. Denial and Bargaining are the only positions left for the genuine True Blood fan who isn’t just watching this out of some sad obsession with things that are the worst (“Check out my collection of Troma DVDs! I hate enjoying stuff!”)

Oh, and for the record, leaving a comment, as I am sure many of you are about to do, asking me why I waste my time watching the show if I hate it so much is textbook “Bargaining.” You can’t win. But don’t let it upset you. When it comes to True Blood none of us win. Ever.