Entourage: Ari Gold Is Not A Very Good Father

If this show was a physical reaction to stimulus (or lack thereof), it would be the sensation of pins and needles in a limb that has fallen asleep. If it was a state of being it would be “drowsy.” Do you see where I am going with this? I’m not saying that I have any idea what it could possibly do to remain even remotely interesting, or bear any kind of resemblance to something relevant, but you can’t even say the show is treading water at this point. If it was a swimming technique it would be the dead man’s float.

My favorite part of the whole episode (Wait, what did I say? Favorite? No, the opposite of that) was at the beginning when E and Lil Bow Wow have a conference call with a production executive who wants to buy Lil Bow Wow’s pilot. Because during this business meeting, Lil Bow Wow is having NSFW sex with a busty model. Hollywood is crazy! I’ll have what he’s having! Barf. The reason this scene was amazing, though, is because at first I was just like, Oh, gross, now I remember, Entourage is stupid. Because of course Lil Bow Wow is having NSFW sex with a busty model during his business meeting. It’s Entourage, duh. But later in the episode, we find out that Lil Bow Wow the struggling writer is still working at the Gap while he tries to sell his script. WAIT A SECOND. Now I’m not saying that guys who work at the Gap can’t have busty model girlfriends. I know that a lot of you work at the Gap and are constantly doing it with babes all the time. But somehow I feel that if his dream is to sell a pilot and quit his service industry day job, perhaps he would TREAT THAT PHONE CALL WITH ENTHUSIASTIC AND BUSINESS LIKE SUCCESS rather than as A MILD ANNOYANCE DURING INTERCOURSE. Unless, and this is the explanation that makes the most sense, Vince is going to die before the end of this season, and Lil Bow Wow is being groomed to step immediately into his shoes. Fingers crozzzzed.

But, as ridiculous as Lil Bow Wow having sex during his conference call may be, it definitely follows the pre-established rules of the Entourage universe. The same cannot be said for Ari Gold and his relationship with his children, as depicted in this scene:

Right. Ari Gold is such a tender, loving father who has incredibly playful and intellectually stimulating relationships with his adoring children. What? Even just in this scene Ari is sexist and incredibly self-centered, but that aside, it seems virtually impossible that his children would be happy and well-adjusted, at least as far as their relationship with him is concerned. Again, I know that many of you are egomaniacal monsters who work at the Gap and are constantly having sex with beautiful models during conference calls but still manage to make time for your children because they are the most important thing in your life. I’m sure there are plenty of ruthless business men who are 180 degrees different at home, able to separate the cutthroat nature of the office from the warmed hearth of home. But Ari Gold is not one of them. He’s dismissive and insulting to his wife on a constant basis. She has spent five seasons convincing Ari to take an active interest in his children’s lives only through guilt trips and incessant nagging. The man is a creep, completely overwhelmed by his own narcissism. So I call bullshit.

This whole season they’ve been attempting to humanize Ari. Why? What’s behind this unrealistic shift in his character dynamic that is difficult for anyone who’s watched even just a few episodes of this show to swallow? We’ve already established that Vince is going to die and Lil Bow Wow is going to become Aquaman 4, but the future of Ari remains a poorly justified mystery.