Well, This Didn’t Happen: The Hills

Wow. Even if we accept that The Hills is “curated reality” or whatever you call it when it’s not reality at all but stars talentless people who portray slightly less boring but still very boring versions of their regular selves, what happened on last night’s episode was really something special. And by special I mean bullshit. It was really something bullshit. Audrina blah blah blah, something something, move out. What we need to focus on is the Heidi plotline, because it is fake, staged, hilarious, and unbelievable. It all starts with the idea that Bolthouse Productions is about to open a new bar called 14, and they’re putting Heidi in charge of an important portion of the party planning for the opening night event (they are NOT putting Heidi in charge of an important ANYTHING).

So, first there is this conversation between Heidi and her co-worker:

THAT IS NOT HOW PEOPLE TALK. Ever. It’s not even how people in LA talk. They’ve been planning this event for months and Heidi just suddenly decided that she was going to invite her boyfriend? Right. I wonder how many takes of this they did before they got one that didn’t sound COMPLETELY robotic. Just kidding. This sounds completely robotic.

Then there was the scene at the actual event in which Heidi’s boss’s boss catches her drinking and she acts like she’s on an episode of My Super Sweet 16:

Actually, that scene might be accurate. Here I am acting like Heidi and Spencer aren’t half-witted self-involved monsters who refuse to understand that anything in the world could revolve around something other than their immediate desires. My bad.

Then there is this final scene back at the office:

Yeah. Heidi seems really broken up about getting fired from her job. It doesn’t seem at all as if she was looking for a way out so she could focus on her Heidi and Spencer brand of panty-flavored caffeinated salad dressing or whatever. You know, this scene would already seem sort of airless and without any of the human emotion involved in developmental experiences like being FIRED from a job, but it certainly doesn’t help that THE OFFICE IS COMPLETELY EMPTY.

Nice try, The Hills. This whole thing would have been much more dramatic and exciting if it had ever been even remotely possible to believe that Heidi had the intellectual capacity to TURN ON A COMPUTER much less carry out the duties of actual employment. FAKE.