True Blood: Sam Merlotte’s Character Is Now The Most Ridiculous

I will give this show one thing: it never ceases to surprise me with its dedication and inventiveness towards being terrible. Each week, just when I think True Blood is resting on its rotten laurels, coasting by on pre-established structures of awfulness, complacent in its horribleness, something happens to remind me that they’re far from finished in exploring the depths of how bad things can get before they get better (better=canceled). They stay on their miserably conceived toes over there, I will give them that.

And last night had plenty of very bad moments, like when Tara has the soul-seeking realization that she needs an exorcism to keep her from being…grumpy, or like when Jason Stackhouse and that girl from Cloverfield have CGI jungle sex in a green screen Garnier Fructis commercial. But this week’s moment of truly inspired badness involved Sam Merlotte and the often hinted at but never revealed plot detail that he can SPOILER ALERT change into a dog. I’m sorry, whuuuuuuut? So Sookie is telepathic and Sam Merlotte is a shape shifter in a sleepy town full of vampires. Ridiculous.

But even if I was willing to accept that Sam Merlotte changes into a dog sometimes, which I am not saying that I am willing to accept that, but if I was, the scene in which it was revealed was just classic True Blood (classic True Blood=classic The Worst):

LOLz. “Just give me one moment, officer, I seem to have forgotten something in the bar. GO GO GADGET TURN INTO A DOG!” And why is Sookie trying to fuck that dog? “You’re going to get cold sleeping on that floor. You better come up on the bed and crawl inside my vagina.” No, Brian Fellows. I know that this show is adapted from the Charlaine Harris book, or whatever, but that’s why Hollywood spends all that money to buy the rights to things. So that they can legally say “No, Charlaine Harris, we are not putting in that ridiculous thing about Sam turning into a dog because we recognize what a horrible idea that would be.”

Watching this show is like watching a train wreck. A very longe train wreck. A very long train wreck that sometimes transforms into a dog wreck. Perfect. I can’t wait until HBO adapts that metaphor into its own show.