Entourage Is Actually Just Getting Despicable

The only thing that was keeping Entourage watchable at this point was its consistently bubbly no-stakes jacuzzi of a plot (i.e. no plot) that has been its hallmark since season 1. Get in, the water’s fine! Even if you consider this season to be the most dire for the Beverly Hills goof troupe, it opened with Vince having sex on a beach in Mexico and has mostly hinted that even when a Hollywood star can’t get a job, he still leads a life of privileged leisure that most people would kill for. I actually don’t believe that to be true. I think that washed up actors who can no longer get work probably suffer a pretty unbearable daily routine of self doubt and existential anguish. But not on Entourage. SIDE NOTE: Has it ever rained on a single episode of this show? I mean, I know this show is basically a documentary about Los Angeles, so rain is probably just not a weather pattern they even have out there. Never mind.

Anyway, on last night’s episode, Ari placed Vince’s future in the balance by placing a bet with studio chief Alan Gray during a golf game, and that is when the funtimes jacuzzi jets went dead and this show became a despicable cold shower.

First of all, Ari loses the bet. So Vince won’t get a part in Smoke Jumpers. Except that we know that Vince IS going to get a role in Smoke Jumpers. First and foremost we know that because there was a fake Smoke Jumpers poster leaked on line. But even if we weren’t NERDS who needed to GET A LIFE, we would know that Vince was going to get a role in Smoke Jumpers because that’s the only project that this show ever talks about, and it’s been renewed for another season, and you sleep soundly with the knowledge that season six isn’t going to be about what happens when Vince tries to pass his real estate license exam. But how is he going to get this role? BY SOMEONE HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND DYING IS HOW.

Gross, Entourage. BUT WAIT, IT GETS WORSE. At first I just assumed that it was a lame deus ex machina that was going to save Vince’s career and that although it was kind of a weird, sad way to make sure that your fake celebrity becomes famous again, and although it is kind of hard to make Alan out to be some kind of mean bad guy when the hero of the show is Ari Fucking Gold, and although we’re still talking about HOLLYWOOD and things that DON’T MATTER, but OK, I thought. OK. People die all the time. This is not my favorite plot turn, but I AM NOT IN CHARGE OF THIS SHOW (yet). But please, Entourage, let’s just humanely acknowledge that sometimes a person’s misfortune can result in unexpected good fortune for other people, and it’s not something to hope for, but we can recognize its existence and move forward with Smoke Jumpers (I’m seriously writing about Smoke Jumpers as if it’s a thing and as if it deserves conversation? Whoops, I just set my head on fire.) Let’s not make it ugly by having Johnny Drama gratuitously point out that Alan dying is going to be a good thing for Vince before it’s even turned out to be a good thing. After all, Alan is supposed to be a human being with a family, and Johnny Drama is supposed to be one of the protagonists of this show, so it would seem kind of morally questionable if it was suggested that we as audience members should be cheering over a fake man’s death as being a good thing as long as it meant a fake supporting role for a fake washed up actor in a fake new movie. You wouldn’t do that, right Entourage?

The worst.