The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: A Race To The Worst

The Real Housewives of Atlanta premiered last night, proving that horrible people aren’t confined to California and New York, but exist in every major city. And they’re not all white, either! There are some terrible black people out there, too! The first hour was relatively light on drama, despite producers’ best efforts to squeeze every bit of excitement out of Ne Ne’s run-in with door security at Sheree’s birthday party. (Can you believe this woman you’ve never heard of wasn’t on the list to get into the birthday party of that other woman you’ve never heard of? If you look up ‘scandal’ in the dictionary there’s a three page-long definition explaining who everyone is and why this is important [this is not important].) Mostly it was just an hour-long (that was only an hour?) opportunity to get to meet these wealthy, disgusting monsters. So, who was the worst?

Kim Zolciak
Pretty fucking horrible. Kim seems to have two main goals in life: spending ridiculous amounts of money on material possessions to disguise the fact that she’s a walking void of insecurity and emotional lack, and deluding herself into thinking she’s a smart, talented country singer with a plucky personality and a bright future to disguise the fact that she’s a walking void of insecurity and emotional lack. Look, a divorced single parent has to do a lot just to make it through the day, but threatening car dealers with the unrestrained rage of your sugar daddy boyfriend and claiming that a Britney Spears schoolgirl outfit circa 1998 is “so me” has nothing to do with those struggles. At that point you’re just an asshole.

Ne Ne Leakes
You know what? To Ne Ne I say, “OK!” She’s loud and ridiculous and best friends with Kim (see: delusional, sad), but whatever. It’s all just a show. There’s very little difference between Ne Ne’s exhibitionist expressions of puffed up self-esteem and white kids in Brooklyn who think Fleet Foxes are old news and that your face tattoo of a unicorn cumming rainbows is “sick.” Granted, she enjoys and seeks out drama, which is personally not my favorite character trait. But that’s the kind of thing that mostly just results in frustration and disappointment for the seeker, because the rest of us are adults and no longer feel the need to put up with that shit.

DeShawn Snow
DeShawn Snow, wife of Cleveland Caveliers guard Eric Snow is your typical over-indulged housewife. Her most egregious flaw in this episode, in my opinion, was working with an interior decorator for three hours before handing over the rest of the work on her new multi-million dollar mansion. What? That is your home! It reminded me of the time that Missy Elliott was on Cribs and gave a tour of the saddest McMansion on Earth. Put some thought into your environments, rich people! But whatever. Eric actually seemed intelligent and engaged when he told DeShawn that in regards to her parents’ upcoming visit, they were coming to visit their home, not a nightclub. Because DeShawn had told her executive personal assistant to ask them (her parents!) what they wanted to eat on their visit, and then also asked her personal assistant to offer to unpack for them. Yuck. The day that you conduct all of your conversations with your parents via executive personal assistant is the day that you no longer deserve to have parents and you should be forced into some kind of adult orphanage for retraining until you’re not such an obnoxious nightmare.

Lisa Wu Hartwell
Who’s Lisa Wu Hartwell? If she was on this show, I did not notice.

Sheree Whitfield
Sheree is the absolute worst. A garbage person. God didn’t make no junk, but God clearly gave Sheree whatever it was she needed to turn herself into junk. Sheree’s birthday party was the dramatic focus of last night’s episode and it was all very Entourage Season 4, Episode 2 when Drama throws a welcome home party for Vinny Chase. She was concerned about having too many people in her house because she’s an uptight disaster of a human being, but then also had her driver take her all around town to remind everyone that her party was going to be the best party and that they couldn’t come. She kept referring to it as “her day.” Sheree, we are told, is in the middle of a divorce, and wants to get seven figures out of the crumbling marriage in order to maintain “the same if not better” lifestyle. Sheree has a large staff. For what? What does this woman need a staff for? To make sure that the ratio of white wine to spritzer is correct? No. Sheree must be stopped. Can we stop her now please? Yes we can!