Gossip Girl: Looks Like The Chuck Bass Has Become The Master

It’s the first day back to school, so you know what that means! Actually, I thought I knew what that meant, but I clearly don’t. Within the first five minutes of the show both Serena and Jenny Humphrey suggest to their parents that they just skip school altogether. Apparently they not only need to go to school, they need to go to night school and weekend school also, lots of extra school, until they learn that that is a ridiculous way to get out of school. Even public school kids know that if you want to skip class, you don’t tell an adult about it first, and public school kids don’t even have drivers waiting in limousines full of champagne to turn a blind eye. Although, to be fair, it’s not like Lilly Bass or Rufus Humphrey have shown any parenting skills thus far, so that might totally work. I take it back.

Speaking of Lilly Bass, she’s just returned from her honeymoon? But the wedding was at the beginning of summer? So she went on a three month long honeymoon? So both her and Rufus completely abandoned their teenage children to their own devices for an entire summer? I know I’m asking a lot of questions in a row, but it’s all just leading up to my ultimate question, which is WHERE ARE CHILD SERVICES? I suppose Lilly could pull some strings and have the state’s child negligence case thrown out of court, but Rufus is a starving artist with nothing but a massive Brooklyn loft and an art gallery to his name. Surely he should be in some kind of jail.

Now that Dan and Serena are broken up, everyone is reminding them that it’s a race to see who will date someone else first. Who cares? They should both date a gun in their mouths. I recognize that Dan and Serena are supposed to be the core of this show, and maybe that’s true for children who have limited experience discerning quality characters from the MOST BORING CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME, but I just don’t care. Except insofar as they both become pawns in this episode. That part is great. So, anyway, Dan bumps into this new girl in the courtyard so they are dating. That’s how dating works. You bump into a mousy girl and you are her boyfriend. This makes Serena upset, which is fair. It’s hard to see your ex bump into a new girl and start dating her while they’re collecting her dropped books from the ground. In retaliation, Blair tries to invite the new girl into her clique, because if the new girl is part of her clique then she will be bound by the International Clique Charter to refrain from dating fellow members of the clique.

But that doesn’t work, because the new girl decides to take Dan to a meat packing district bar that night. What? This is the part of the show where they ask us to accept that everyone from high school hangs out in a bar in the meatpacking district, every night, and that Dan hangs out there, too. Even adults make jokes about going out on “a school night,” but they’re not exactly jokes when you’re ACTUALLY IN SCHOOL. Anyway, Serena finds out that Dan went with the new girl to Peachpit After Dark and she is so mad but then she decides that in order to be adults they will all three of them go to the meatpacking district bar, together, to show the world that they can be friends. That’s not a thing that anyone does, much less high school kids whose emotional maturity is usually confined to NOT wearing their Juicy Couture sweatpants to a funeral unless it’s a really distant relative. But so they go and Serena gets drunk and starts pretending to be in love with this lacross douchebag, who is now my favorite actor. Watch out for this guy, Hollywood! He’s very good at playing a douchebag!

Then Chuck convinces the Mean Girls to throw a nairtini on the new girl’s head! HOW’D IT GET BURNED? HOW’D IT GET BURNED HOW’D IT GET BURNED! They are such Mean Girls! This makes Dan and Serena get in a fight.

Serena is like “I didn’t tell them to do that,” and Dan is like “You should own up to being part of this world,” and then he leaves and Serena is like “Now I’m a super bitch”? Seriously, Serena’s character is such a mish mash of polar opposite motivations between just being a genuine person and being the most status conscious power monster on Earth. I think she might be bi-polar. She should go to a hospital. Anyway, this is her power face.

So powerful. She’s almost going to fall asleep she’s so powerful. It turns out in a DRAMATIC TWIST, though, that this whole time the new girl was actually being paid by Chuck Bass to take Dan to the nightclub in the meatpacking district (that explains it) so that Serena would get jealous and become queen bee and knock Blair off of her throne! To get back at Blair for breaking his Cartier heart. CRAMAZING! It’s Chuck’s world, you guys, we just watch it, every Monday night at 8PM on the CW.

I suppose I should briefly address the concurrent situation with Nate Archibald and the Duchess, AKA Shelly from Twin Peaks. Last week, of course, the Duchess told Vanessa that she was so serious about Nate that she would tell the police where his fugitive father was hiding out if he ever left her. This week, she gives Vanessa a check to thank her for her silence. A personal check. Not for nothing, but what this woman doesn’t know about the financial back channels required for sneaking around could fill a warehouse full of Louis Vuitton suitcases. Vanessa is insulted by this personal check for 5,000 dollars, because Vanessa is, as we know, an idiot, so she goes to return the check, which is how she happens to get a cameraphone picture of the Duchess ABOUT TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH HER STEPSON, THE LORD. MORE DRAMATIC TWISTS.

Man, that woman will fuck anything that moves, as long as when it moves it’s only 17 years old. Vanessa turns to the only person who can help, which is Blair Waldorf. Blair concocts a plan by which the Lord and Duchess will leave town, and the Duchess will pay off the entirety of Nate’s dad’s debt. But then Vanessa gets anxious that Blair is not cruelly scheming behind closed doors enough, and she goes straight to the Duchess’s husband, and he promises that the Lord and Duchess will leave town, and that Nate’s father’s location will not be revealed to the police. Blair is like “Vanessa, you stupid fucking idiot, you ruined everything,” but what neither of them really recognizes is that no matter what, the Lord and Duchess are leaving town, and that is what’s important here. Because that plotline was losing more steam than a venti half-caff soy latte with a shot of sugar free caramel syrup with THE LID OFF.