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I Love Money: Love Is Hard, For Real

We open this week with another elimination. Toastee. She leaves as she came in: looking mildly confused. I don’t think anyone could have expected Toastee to make it very far in the competition. Everything that she says seems to have been scripted for her by someone only slightly more intelligent than she, but if you can’t even manage to come up with your own answers to mundane reality TV behind-the-scenes interview questions, how do you expect to get all the flags from the bottom of a vat of barf in the shape of a heart, or whatever. Not to mention her ultimately failing strategy of positioning herself as a human being with no discernible value. Oh, Toastee. You were not made for this world. Actually, you were probably totally made for this world. Anyway goodbye.


The elimination game this week is insanely long and complicated (that’s what she said!), involving multiple spins in a dizzy chair, walking along a table covered in sand-filled cups, spitting some guacamole mess into a toilet, and kissing an old Mexican.

It’s funny because he’s old and from a foreign country!? Pumkin does terribly, so she ends up in the box, while Hoopz crushes it and becomes Paymaster. But the real winner is Megan.

Whoops, you’re on TV!

My favorite storyline from the entire season continues this week, as Real struggles with the fact that he proposed marriage to Hoopz but she has not accepted because of course not. At one point, he has a sit down with Hoopz and White Boy to see if they’ve been hooking up, which they insist that they haven’t, but Real, looking dejected and sad, says “Maybe I should have asked all of this before I proposed.” TRUE! But even more importantly, I cannot put into words how much I love the fact that someone in the world might ever have to explain that things just didn’t work out with the woman he loved, with whom he hoped to spend the rest of his life, because “she was hooking up with White Boy in Mexico.” Aw. Relationships are hard! This is even better than earlier in the season when the Entertainer described the situation with Heat thusly: “Heat’s mad because Destiney was his girlfriend for a couple of days, but now she’s my girlfriend.” ROMANCE! Real calls his brother, Chance, and they have a powerful conversation that only two brothers could.

Blood is dumber than water. Also, kill? Really? Kill? OK, kill.

In other Real and Hoopz news, when everyone is out at the power outing except for Real, he prepares a little something special for the second love of his life (money being the first love, one must assume, although this whole episode proposes that sometimes love comes before money, and that’s when you don’t win the money, so you should never love people more). Hoopz told him once that she wanted to get married in Italy, but they can’t go to Italy because they are in Mexico (sorry, Logic Police, no one to arrest here), so he brings Italy to her. He even makes a sign.

WHAT IS THAT SIGN? “Hoopz, I know you think that Italy is the most romantic place in the world. That’s why I stole a table from the Olive Garden and pulled this piece of paper out of the garbage.”

In the end, another person needs to be eliminated, and that person is Pumkin. Hoopz says that it’s retribution for eliminating Chance a million years ago. Whatever, Hoopz. Ain’t no nostalgia in this shit here. Pumkin tries to educate everyone on what happens to people who scheme, but I’m pretty sure if these people could be educated they wouldn’t be on this regurgitated show of bottom feeders and Sadness Experts.

Next week: SEASON FINALE. Or should I say Season Finally. RIGHT?