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The Hills: Eyes On The Prize, America

Good news for people who hate The Hills, this show is on its last legs. I’m calling it right now. I’m not sure if they’ll squeeze another season out after this one, or just let it quietly fade into so many spin-offs, but last night’s episode convinced me that we’re witnessing the end run. From the multiple siblings crowding in to add some kind of dramatic tension to this flaccid non-starter, to the now weekly appearances by bands no one cares about, to the increasingly impossible scenarios in which we’re asked to believe that these people actually work, the facade is teetering on collapse.

The main point of last night’s episode was that Heidi and Lauren both miss each other and are running out of gas for their continuing feud, setting the stage for a reunion. The problem is, who cares? I’m not saying that in a disdainful, over-educated, “can you believe anyone cares about these people” kind of way. I recognize that the appeal of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag goes well beyond the show. Lots of people care about them a whole bunch. But remaining in the logic of The Hills narrative, does anyone care if they become friends again? They’re both launched on their celebrity trajectories at this point, and the feud itself is a boring tempest in an irrelevant teapot. If we’re all past it, then obviously they are as well.

This all became crystal clear during the final scene in which two separate conversations were craftily edited together. On one side, Lauren was talking to Stephanie Pratt during their computer fashion class–that seems to meet every day for five years and involves mostly sitting around and chatting with your friends–about how having lunch with Heidi’s older sister Holly made her miss Heidi, because that’s a way that things happen. Meanwhile, spliced in between, was a conversation Heidi was having with Kimberly, an Events Coordinator from Bolthouse Productions, about the exact same topic, and how hard it has been without her best friend.

OK. But if you take Heidi’s friend Kimberly as a stand-in for the audience, and I do because she didn’t say a single word during the whole “heart-to-heart,” then her facial expressions spoke for all of us.

“Oh, gosh, sorry, Heidi. No, of course it’s not you. There’s no way you could possibly be boring me with a story about something no one even believes is still an issue.”

I’m telling you, guys. We’re almost there. Just be patient for a little while longer.