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The Hills: Killing One Doug With One Stone

Between this and Gossip Girl, there is now an 80 percent chance that my life will end on a Monday night. Anyway, we’re only two episodes into the season, and already Lauren wants to break up with Doug. Did I call it, or did I call it? I did call it. It’s not even the fact that paparazzi have already snapped her (that’s a sentence I just wrote without killing myself) out with other guys, but the simple obviousness of Doug’s unfinished granite like personality. If you were having a pool party you could throw Doug’s personality into the pool and have people dive for him as a game. Because it’s leaden. It would sink to the bottom of the pool is the joke. She goes to see him at his INSANE MANSION? Where he is eating take out on the balcony overlooking the city that he APPARENTLY OWNS. Who are all the people on this show? I thought I had it figured out, but it’s clearly Chinatown, Jake, because even a third-rate stringer character like Doug eats Harvey Weinstein for breakfast or something. Anyway, Lauren tells him that she doesn’t think it’s going to work out and he actually says “even after you told me you had a crush on me at the club?” Doug should always wear bright orange so that hunters do not shoot him in his unsuspecting face.

Meanwhile, Whitney is living her bi-coastal lifestyle in New York and is helping Kelly Cutrone photograph models for whatever it is Kelly Cutrone and her company do, and Whitney tells one of the models that she also went to USC. LOVE CONNECTION. Ugh, this show. Although, to be fair, I think that for most of these people one terribly uninteresting point of commonality is all they need to get married and unhappily consolidate their families’ fortunes in an effort to avoid the crushing loneliness of chasing after our society’s archaic ideal of normative happiness. But it’s weird when Kelly Cutrone actually uses the male model as a whore for Whitney by setting them up on a date. Or at least, I think it’s weird, but it might not be weird. Who knows with Kelly Cutrone. She is over 450 years old and she sleeps in a coffin, so who are we to understand her choices?

Heidi and Spencer go out to eat and have the most desperately strained conversation. They definitely are working hard for their money to prove that this drama exists and is a real drama that is so dramatic.

YIKES. You know how some guys think it’s impossible for a husband to “rape” his wife? Those guys should be shown this clip. I’m pretty sure Spencer Pratt’s definition of “cuddle” involves a lot of submission psychology and uncomfortable penetrations.

Also,what?

LA is so weird. It’s like a joke about how dumb the ’80s were, but you forget the punchline halfway through. If you are reading this and you live in LA, that is your restaurant.

Something happens with Stephanie Pratt, but I kind of zone out during her scenes. We get it, she likes attention but has nothing to offer. You don’t have to browbeat us with that fact by constantly reminding us that she exists. One episode would have been enough and then we could have shuttled her back to whatever poorly decorated rock that she thinks is glamorous she climbed out from under.

Also Lauren has dinner with Brody Jenner, and why is he always wearing shit like this?

Arctic camouflage on Brody Jenner is the funniest thing. The idea of him being cold or having to do anything for his own survival other than make a fifteen minute appearance at some nightclub in the Midwest that’s having a strawberry margarita drink special is hilarious, and unrealistic. Polar bears would eat him alive because they love skulls filled with fat and cum.

Next week: we return to the Audrina and Lo fight because no one at MTV has yet picked up on the fact that no one gives a shit.