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You Can Make It Up: Dane Cook Designs His Own Movie Poster

Dane Cook threw his keys down onto the penis-shaped end table and grabbed a Zima from one of the dozen mini-fridges that lined the entryway to his mansion. He walked into the living room and gave a couple of lazy Tae Bo kicks to the punching bag that hung in the middle of the room. “BRO!” he shouted out in existential frustration. “BRO! OH MAN, BRO!” He slumped into the beanbag chair that was modeled after Jenna Jameson’s left tit and he barely even chugged his Zima. Dane Cook was totes bummed.

That afternoon he’d had a meeting at some studio exec’s office about his hilarious new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl. Dane knew that not only was this the funniest movie he’d ever made, it was the funniest movie in the world. This movie would make people laugh so hard they’d shit blood out of their mouths. But when the marketing exec pulled out the poster for the movie, Dane’s enthusiasm boner went soft. The poster sucked! It sucked armored monkey’s balls!

Dane didn’t know what to do he was having such an emotion. He’d driven his Porsche home as fast as he could, banging his fist against the wheel. Sure, he checked out girls idling next to him at stoplights, but his heart wasn’t really in it. He made one blowjob face at a blonde waiting in traffic next to him, but when she spit at him and called him a creep he didn’t even smirk. Dane Cook wasn’t feeling smug at all.

Dane finished his Zima and threw the bottle into the giant tank full of dead exotic fish with the rest of the empty Zima bottles. He gave another half-hearted Tae Bo kick to the punching bag before running his hand through his heavily gelled hair and heading out to the balcony for some fresh air. He looked out over the twinkling lights of the city. “BRO!” he shouted out into the valley stretched out below him like some hooker he’d hired like how he was always hiring them.

Dane knew more about marketing as someone who’d successfully albeit obnoxiously self promoted himself for twenty years than all of these marketing professionals combined. Just because he didn’t go to Marketing College and get a Professors of Marketing degree didn’t mean that he didn’t know that when you were trying to promote the fucking funniest most well done comedy of all time, My Best Friend’s Girl, co-starring Kate Hudson and the supremely talented Jason Biggs that you needed a poster that was going to grab someone’s balls and stretch them up over their face so that they could taste their own balls. That’s how funny this movie was!

Dane went back into the living room and slumped into the bean bag chair that was modeled after a Pennsylvania Hooters waitress’s bush and looked up at the great movie posters that were hanging on his wall. Now these were classic posters. These were posters that got the right message out there. He looked at the Employee of the Month poster, which was just a picture of him looking like he was about to rape someone, and the words Employee of the Month. FUCK YEAH. That’s a poster! “I’d see that movie, bro,” he said. Dane looked at the poster for Good Luck Chuck, which was just him with his shirt off and down at the bottom you could just make out some chick giving him head. FUNNY! That’s a quality comedy poster right there. Dane Cook opened a Diet Coke and poured an airplane-sized bottle of Captain Morgan’s into it. “You are my only friend, bro,” he said to Captain Morgan. “You and Jay Davis.”

Dane decided that if he was going to prove his point to the studio, he couldn’t just tell them what he meant. Their ears were full of shit that they needed to clean out. And Dane’s awesome explosions of manic energy and wild gesticulations always seemed to confuse and fatigue them. He should have been charging 85 dollars a seat for these meetings. He was always on, it was one of the best qualities about himself, he knew. No, if Dane wanted the poster done right, he’d have to do it himself. He opened a drawer in the kitchen filled with hot chicks’ phone numbers and loose condoms because he was such an awesome player. At the bottom he found a blank sheet of lined paper. On the top he wrote MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL STARRING DANE COOK AND JESSICA ALBA. Whoops, bro. He crossed out JESSICA ALBA and wrote KATE HUDSON AND JASON BIGGS. OK, that was all the important information, but now he needed something that would let his fans know that he was 100 percent behind this movie because not only was it the funniest movie he’d ever made, but that this movie was so funny that it was going to shoot them in the face with laughter bullets and send their brains splaughtering across the wall. Dane took a sip of his proteintini (he had made himself a proteintini in a blender with gin and Muscle Milk) and had a stroke of inspiration. Haha. He said stroke. Dane took the paper into the bathroom and undressed. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and instantly got hard, and then he masturbated himself until he climaxed all over the paper. For his fans. Now that was a poster for a fucking Dane Cook movie.