Let’s face it, the Olympics are boring. They were mildly exciting when they only occurred every four years on leap years, but that’s because I was a kid, and when you’re a kid everything is exciting. In fact, I think it was the leap year part that was the most exciting. You have to admit, leap years are weird. Did you know that time is a human invention? Whoops, sorry about BLOWING YOUR MIND.
Anyway, the Olympics. So what? In the age of YouTube and Epcot Center’s World Showcase, it seems antiquated to get excited about a sports pageant half a world away. Maybe there’s a reason that no one watches swimming any other time. Maybe there’s a reason that people enjoy football, baseball, basketball, soccer, and hockey on a regular basis, but kind of don’t care about who can run so fast. But that doesn’t mean we should cancel the Olympics (although that’s a real thing that I could make happen). We just need to jazz it up. Throw some new events in there. We need an Olympics that touches a new generation of jaded, ironic hearts.
After the jump, the 10 sports that should be Olympic sports.
It’s unrealistic to ask that Trampoline Accidents be made an Olympic sport. Besides, if an Olympic trampoline gymnast fucks their face on the sidebar, which could happen, then they basically are. This is a more realistic demand. This is super super realistic.
For years, fencing has struggled under the stigma of being an effete clown sport for upper-crust homosexuals. Put a lightsaber in there. No more stigma.
The dudes who play Murderball could fuck you up. Give them a medal.
Women’s Wii Fit
Hopefully, when Women’s Wii Fit becomes an Olympic sport, they will do away with the tradition of only allowing amateurs to compete, and we can get some kind of Dream Team going. If you know what I mean. More like Wet Dream Team! Gross. I’m sorry.
I know that hoverboards don’t exist. What I’m saying is that someone should invent hoverboards. Duh. And then put those hoverboards into the Olympics.
We already have Olympic competitions for weight lifting and other feats of strength, but there isn’t really an Olympic showcase of people doing the weirdest choreographed routines with their monster bodies.
This would be the stupidest sport in the Olympics. I will expect Badminton’s and Table Tennis’s thank you letters accordingly.
Chess Boxing exercises both the mind and body. Also it is insane. I promise you this, if the IOC added Chess Boxing to the Olympics, everyone would be like “What? You crazy, IOC,” and the IOC would be like “Chess Boxing, son!”
This one is not a joke. Why isn’t Parkour an Olympic sport? Parkour should be an Olympic sport. The Olympics are pussies.
Fighting 50 Dudes
If Fighting 50 Dudes was an Olympic Event, I would delete this whole blog and go work for the Olympics.
Honorable Mention: The proud sport of Mexican Stand-Off.