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What Illegal Drug Should Replace Stoner Comedies?

With the release of Pineapple Express, which looks FINE but not EXCEPTIONAL, I’m reminded of my general distaste for stoner comedies and stoner culture in general. To recap: marijuana enthusiasts are far too self-satisfied with their mind-numbing indulgence. There’s nothing particularly fascinating about using a substance to ease tension, or party, or whatever. The entire stoner ethos implies that for some reason there’s something endlessly compelling about someone being kind of giggly and hungry. There is not.

Not to mention the HIPPIE ASPECT. Even if this generation’s subscribers to Pot Aficionado magazine are more interested in listening to My Morning Jacket and talking about classic Nintendo games, they can’t quite shake the association with the unwashed devil stick novice chilling in the park with his friends, having a drum circle and enjoying some organic aloe juice from the local food co-op. It reeks of failed promise and outmoded naivete. We need a new drug comedy culture, one that reflects the world in which we actually live, not the world in which our parents kind of went to college but don’t remember much of it.

So, what illegal drug should form the basis of this era’s drug comedy?

Cocaine
This one’s an obvious front-runner. So many great stock broker comedies, you guys. The cocaine comedy genre would be centered on fast-talking wiseacres trying to get ahead in the big city and middle-class white people trying to out-status each other.

Meth
These would mostly be gross-out comedies. If you thought fart and poop jokes were funny, wait until you see the hilarious teeth falling out and skin being scratched off of faces jokes that meth comedy is going to bring to the table. These movies would also have lots of funny explosions and outrageous acts of prostitution, because if there’s one thing methheads can relate to it’s illegal underground labs going sky high and self-annihilating desperation. Also every meth comedy would be 36-hours long.

Ecstasy
This would mostly just be pot comedy, so I vote no. Besides, what’s funny about a bunch of sweaty people on a dance floor listening to horrible music, hugging each other, and trying to stay hydrated?

Salvia
Salvia comedies would be so boring, but that could be one of those rules that forces the artist to become more creative. Because you’d kind of have to work the comedy around the salvia user. It would mostly be an entire genre of Weekend at Bernie’s-esque films, but with salvia instead of death.

Heroin
Heroin comedies would be an entire genre of Weekend at Bernie’s-esque films, but with heroin AND death. Heroin seems second only to cocaine in its viability for its own genre of comedies. You can just see it now, the hilarious dramatic weightloss, the knee-slapping alienation from friends and family, and the constant tip-toeing along the razor-thin line between life and death. It’s basically an LOL Factory.