lindsay: Kathy Griffin’s assistant quit.
gabe: the only news there
gabe: is that she had an assistant for that long
gabe: you’d think the turnover rate for Kathy Griffin’s Assistant would be really high
gabe: a revolving door if you will
lindsay: I think she has several.
gabe: several revolving doors if you will
gabe: a bank of revolving doors
lindsay: Lately, I’ve been surprised by how many otherwise intelligent, critically-thinking people think Kathy Griffin is funny.
lindsay: Or love her, actually
lindsay: She is funny sometimes
lindsay: But she’s not Our National Treasure.
gabe: she’s our neediest treasure
gabe: the thing i don’t get about kathy griffin at this point is what her schtick even means
gabe: like, she’s not d-list anymore
gabe: she’s not a struggling person
gabe: so now she’s just a liar?
gabe: My Life On The List Of People Who Are Liars
gabe: is her new show
lindsay: Yeah, she’s just someone who makes the Britney Spears jokes we were all too terrified to make.
gabe: she says the thing everyone was thinking four years ago
lindsay: I also hate how saying you hate her now is like saying you hate gay icons.
lindsay: I know she claims to be a gay icon.
lindsay: but I just refuse to entirely believe that.
gabe: there’s something to be said for someone like her, who’s just doing her thing
gabe: the problem is that her thing is so aggressively annoying
lindsay: Well, exactly
lindsay: Like, we need someone sort of like her
lindsay: but why does it have to be her?
gabe: you mean why couldn’t it be you?
gabe: you’re just juealous
gabe: let’s get to the heart of it
gabe: you wish you were kathy griffin
lindsay: And she’s just jealous of the people she talks about.
gabe: well, we’re all just jealous
gabe: which is true to some extent
gabe: but i don’t need kathy griffin to teach me that life lesson
lindsay: She’s just so SMUG.
lindsay: I’ve found recently that when the topic of Kathy Griffin comes up in conversation, people are like ‘She’s great”
gabe: are you at a meeting of the Wrong About Things Society?
gabe: that might be your problem
lindsay: Wrong About Things ANONYMOUS
lindsay: I really shouldn’t be talking about it
gabe: you’re scared?
gabe: of offending your friends who like kathy griffin?
lindsay: I fear that maybe I don’t like KG because she’s not staying in her box
lindsay: but then I see her and I’m like “no! I am right on this!”
gabe: well that’s not very generous
gabe: what is her box?
lindsay: I said “I fear”
lindsay: her nobody I know likes her or watches her and she gets no press box
gabe: but that was never her box
gabe: she has a show on television
gabe: do you know how many people watch television?
gabe: like, all of them
gabe: and it’s been picked up for multiple seasons
gabe: so obviously people watch her
lindsay: Oh another thing
lindsay: her emmy?
lindsay: She’s always like “Can you believe someone like ME got an EMMY?”
lindsay: and it’s like “yes, you have a tv show.”
gabe: yeah, she fulfilled all the prerequisites for getting one
lindsay: “your network submits your name as a matter of routine.”
gabe: but that’s the same thing
gabe: that’s her make believe
lindsay: I don’t think you read magazines
lindsay: but say the month of june? she was in every magazine and newspaper
lindsay: with glowing profiles about how she refuses to be quiet
lindsay: about the horrible atrocities that are going on in Hollywood right now
gabe: but that’s her thing, right?
gabe: she’s goign to speak truth to power
gabe: just as soon as she figures out what power is
lindsay: omg, that’s her tagline!
gabe: for now she’s speaking truth to lauren conrad and ryan seacrest
gabe: but that’s the thing I don’t like about her
gabe: is this false outsider status she’s adopted
gabe: she’s not living in some shit apartment with four roommates trying to get out of temping
gabe: her claim to outsider status at this point
gabe: is that people think Padma is a prettier Bravo TV show host than she is?
gabe: that’s her cross to bear?
lindsay: and Padma was a model
gabe: kathy was on the today show
gabe: and al roker just kept saying “but you’re not really d-list”
gabe: like five times
lindsay: As long as there are prettier people, and there will be, Kathy Griffin will have a job.
gabe: and eventually she had to be like
gabe: “come on al, that’s my schtick, just play along”
gabe: it was the only time i have respected al roker
gabe: asking the tough questions, al
lindsay: Who would win in a fight?
lindsay: al or kathy
gabe: i have a feeling al has terrible cardio
gabe: he’d be winded and have to sit down
gabe: while kathy shredded him to death in a desperate attempt to prove something although she’s not sure what
gabe: she has such a chip on her shoulder
gabe: that’s the other thing
gabe: and i’m not saying that all celebrities have to have vaseline smiles or whatever
gabe: but jesus
gabe: you should be working in a human resources department somewhere making Phyllis in accounts payable laugh during lunch
gabe: count your blessings
lindsay: She STILL TALKS about being the sassy friend to beautiful Brooke Sheilds on Suddenly Susan
lindsay: like she almost got the lead role
lindsay: but lost out to the former model the entire show was based around
lindsay: You know I can’t help but think of her as one of your fan fiction people
lindsay: Kathy Griffin all alone in her big huge house
lindsay: hating everyone
gabe: i imagine her in her big huge house
gabe: desperately trying to come up with jokes about how her house is too small
gabe: “it’s not working!”
lindsay: hahahahaha, and it seems like the assistants’ jobs are to be her friends
lindsay: her young hip adoring friends
gabe: the thing is kathy griffin seems smart for the most part
gabe: i think that’s where the critical confusion comes in
gabe: she definitely is doing something a little different from most fame seekers
gabe: and seems to have a little bit smarter of a head on her shoulders
lindsay: She’s like “fame is stupid, I got it by accident”
lindsay: but she self promotes, like, the most shamelessly
gabe: well right
gabe: she is
gabe: as i have said
gabe: a huge liar
lindsay: But I think one of the things that bugs me most about KG is the fact that I don’t really know what to think of her. She is funny sometimes, but even Rosie O’Donnell is funny sometimes
lindsay: I mean, probably
gabe: so what makes you mad about kathy griffin
gabe: is that you like her sometimes?
gabe: that one’s on you, that’s your problem
gabe: i’m lucky enough to know where i stand with her at all times, which is that i don’t find her funny, and she gives me a headache, and i think she’s created a false mythology that’s very mildly offensive in the way that lies are offensive
lindsay: So really, I’m the Kathy Griffin apologist in this fight.
lindsay: I think maybe I’m also a little scared of her rabid fans
gabe: you love kathy griffin
gabe: maybe the thing that you hate about kathy griffin
lindsay: but maybe her rabid fans are nonexistent and part of her mythology
gabe: is that you love kathy griffin
lindsay: I am Kathy Griffin.
gabe: what are her rabid fans going to do? complain you to death?
gabe: we are all kathy griffin
gabe: or so she would have us believe
gabe: luckily, almost none of us are kathy griffin
lindsay: Well I wouldn’t mind the house