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What Will Be The Next Teenage Vampire?

There’s a new trailer out for Twilight, the highly anticipated teenage-vampire love story that’s coming out in December. I remain as disinterested as I was after watching the first trailer, but that’s only because I don’t care about poorly made supernatural soap operas. I’m weird like that. But this movie is going to be huge, obs, so clearly I’m in the minority. Which also means that teenage girls are clearly in the majority. Sorry, Jews, someone else controls the media now.

Anyway, it seems like at some point the teenage girl fascination with vampires is going to fade. After Buffy and Twilight and LeStat and Bunnicula, we’re going to run out of gas on this theme, and some other mythological creature is going to have to take its place as the cypher for our collective adolescent hopes and fears. So, which will it be?

Werewolf
This is the most obvious next step. It’s masculine, and werewolves with their hair and bodily changes live on the borderlands of puberty. Teenage werewolves have already existed, in Teen Wolf and the American Werewolf series, but they have never played a huge role in the teenage girl passion plays, probably because of the part where they’re murderous beasts. Whatever, girls have to grow up sometime.

Zombie
If vampires represent the teenage girl’s fascination with the forbidden, her fear of the Otherness of men, and the prospect of aging, a teenage-zombie love story would explore the anxiety over shotguns, finding a boyfriend who’s skin sloughs off, the dullness of routine, and having your life consumed entirely by the person you love. Literally. In their oozing, black mouth. Through your neck or cheek.

Invisible Man
The Invisible Man could embody the teenage girl’s fear of never finding “Mr. Right,” of feeling alienated or “invisible,” of experimental science, as well as the common teenage girl fear of one day being forced to wrap your entire body in bandages, just so that people don’t bump into you.

Chupacabra
He would resolve the teenage girl fear of goat-sucking.

Smoke Monster
A teenage-Smoke Monster romance would help to play out the dramas that every teenage girl has in her head of being trapped on a supernatural island with a ton of weird go-nowhere mysteries that are never resolved, i.e. COLLEGE. I’m basically Sigmund Freud with how I’m blowing your mind with my insights.