The 10 Best Ways To Kill Off Katherine Heigl’s Character On Grey’s Anatomy As Envisioned By Someone Who’s Never Seen Grey’s Anatomy

US Magazine reported today that Katherine Heigl’s character on Grey’s Anatomy might be killed off in the next season by a brain tumor. This comes after Heigl’s noble self-withdrawl from Emmy consideration in order to “help further the careers of other young actresses” (although she’s still up for Gabe’s “Fucking Liar” Awards), and constant needling of the writers for not giving her character more to work with. Haha. “How about you work with this brain tumor, you c-word.” That was me imitating a Grey’s Anatomy writer sitting on a ratty couch in the writer’s room, chewing lazily on a bagel and sipping coffee from one of those pod coffee makers. Nailed it.

Still, brain tumor seems too simple. I can think of 10 better ways to kill of Katherine Heigl’s character. Not that I’ve seen the show or know anything about it. She’s a plucky single lawyer who keeps having hallucinations of a dancing baby, right? After the jump, the 10 Best Ways to Kill Off Katherine Heigl’s Character On Grey’s Anatomy as Envisioned by Someone Who’s Never Seen Grey’s Anatomy.

10. While making her rounds of the burn victims unit, Dr. Isobel Stevens, known to her friends as “Isaac,” falls into one of the vats of acid the hospital always has laying around. Why do they always leave those vats of acid out? This show is weird. But it makes sense someone would eventually fall into one.

9. In the hospital cafeteria, Dr. Isobel Stevens begins to choke on her taco salad, but no one can help her because she’s all alone. It’s strange that a show about a post-Apocalyptic hospital and one woman’s struggle with the solitude of survival would be so popular.

8. A cobra dresses up as a doctor and bites Dr. Isobel Stevens on the face. A classic TV death.

7. Dr. Isobel Stevens, rushing through the hospital because it’s so hard being a doctor, ignores construction warning signs and falls down an elevator shaft. She is liquified by the impact, which is what happens to the human body after falling 112 stories. In later episodes, investigators look into who decided to put this hospital at the top of a skyscraper.

6. Lindsay said to put “pink mist.” So, pink mist.

5. After a wonderful dinner party with all her doctor friends, who are such sophisticated conversationalists, Dr. Isobel Stevens decides to unwind with a video and a glass of expensive wine that she has learned to appreciate in her life of fine things. The video, though, is strange, showing a girl falling down a well, and as soon as the tape stops the phone rings and a voice tells her that in seven days she is going to die. And she does, because she was too busy being a doctor to investigate what this haunted videotape was all about.

4. Dr. Isobel Stevens, in her spare time as an inventor, creates a time machine. Accidentally, she teleports herself onto American Airlines Flight 11 and is killed in 9/11.

3. On her way to a brain surgery conference, Dr. Isobel Stevens meets a man in the hotel bar. They quickly fall in love. His friends become her friends, his hobbies are now her hobbies. Her priorities change completely, and she decides to give up medicine. Two days before she plans to retire from her job as Grey’s Hospital Chief of Staff, she dies in a snowmobile accident on a trip with some of his old drinking buddies from school. Her head gets cut off by a low fence, is what actually happens.

2. Dr. Isobel Stevens is confronted by Michael in the hatch, who shoots her in the stomach by accident in a desperate attempt to free Ben and return him to the Others in exchange for his son, Walt.

1. Dr. Isobel Stevens is killed by two brain tumors.