The Real World: Season Finale

For as boring as this season was, and as long as each episode felt, last night’s finale seemed strangely premature. Amidst the anti-climactic goodbyes, and the tearful interviews about how much this has changed everyone, I realized that I didn’t know anything about any of these people other than that Will can cry when he thinks about wasabi, and Brianna used to be a stripper. Oh, and Kim and Sarah are unapologetically racist and ignorant. I guess I know enough about them. We open on a barbecue in which intrepid improv teacher Charna Halpern and wasted talent Andy Dick bring supplies to the house and tell everyone how proud they are of them. “As people, you’re way better than I was at your age,” Andy Dick tells them. What does that mean? Also, Andy Dick is on this show. The end. I heard next season they were going to film the whole thing on FAIL Island.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Joey is living in what looks like a parents’ or grandparents’ house, and working for a company that “builds steel cages.” Oh, Cage Corp., sure. And ladies, he has not changed anything about his brush-forward Sonic the Hedgehog haircut. Schwing. He talks about how he isn’t sure if leaving Hollywood was the right thing to do, which is sad, because the only right thing that happened on the entire show was for the recovering alcoholic to remove himself from the situation. I like Joey. He’s a creep and a monster, yes, but he’s honest with himself for the most part, and he used to run a backyard wrestling federation. He calls Will to say hello and Will makes a joke about how everyone thought Joey was dead, which is my personal favorite joke to make to people struggling with drug addiction. It goes something like this “Oh man, I thought you were dead, hahahha.” “Why?” “Because of drugs.”

Dave gets in a fight at the bar, and somehow, despite having their lives taped to see what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real, none of the many cameramen whose only job is to capture everything these clowns do managed to get a clean shot. We are left with unsatisfactory scraps that barely cut together, although there’s once nice slow motion piledriver.

And as quickly as the fight began, it ends. What did you think would happen? Something interesting?

Joey visits Charna at the Improv Olympic in Chicago and she asks him if he wants to get involved because she thinks it will help him to be in a creative environment. You can see his steroid-muddled brain working double time with the calculated math of wanting to be a nice person and really not wanting to do improv. Then Charna invites him to come back to LA to see the cast’s final performance. Meanwhile, Kim, Nick, and Sarah get to do a fake interview with Shanna Moakler on the set of Entertainment Tonight to help them with their pursuit to host a television show? I fully support people achieving their dreams and everything, but this was just weird. I think you guys might want to dump your ET and Shanna Moakler stock if this is what they’ll do for publicity these days.

And then it’s basically just over. As everyone leaves one-by-one in a cab, we’re treated to a montage NOT of their most memorable moments, but of … a photographer … taking their picture? Can you believe the show is already over? What a crazy rollercoaster ride of that one photo shoot it’s been.

Speaking of FAIL Island, immediately following the credits an ad comes on for the new season of Real World Road Rules Challenge: Escape from Ghost Island featuring Dave. Apparently the cab picked him up and drove him straight to his next reality show. Congratulations to the entire Real World cast on completing the registration process for a life of flag-grabbing challenges and the saddest of incestuous relationships (Real recognizes Real, and also recognizes Road).