Heroes Is Kryptonite

Sorry guys, but Heroes is a stupid show. I know that it’s stupid because it should totally appeal to me but it doesn’t, and because I have eyes in my face and have seen it. I never made it through the first season because while every episode ended with a great cliff-hanger, every subsequent episode resolved that cliff-hanger dismissively in the first 30 seconds, and one of my rules is if a show’s writers are going to be disinterested in doing a good job, then I am going to be disinterested in watching their show. I’m hopeful that one day we will have a superhero show for people who don’t like bad things, but I’m not going to settle for Heroes just because it exists. That’s how lazy shows win. Two and a Half Men has been following that strategy for over 40 years.

So I’m not particularly looking forward to a Heroes web-series Going Postal about a magical postal worker (Get it, Going Postal? Because he works at the post office. You’ll probably get it later, it’s a slow burn.) who can kill people by talking. For one, that’s not a superpower that anyone has ever dreamt of having. That’s a superpower that you come up with after a 13-hour superpower brainstorming session when you’ve run out of Mountain Dew Code Red. Second of all, webisodes of TV shows are the new sadness. With the possible exception of The Office’s webisodes, it’s just such a dismissive form of expanding the show. “It’s the internet, which is great for our bottom line because it means we don’t have to make it good.”

A trailer for the Heroes web-series Going Postal after the jump.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want any superpower that you can counter with a ball gag. I’m not even talking about the web-series at this point, that is just a direct plea to God in case he reads this blog and is planning on having something radioactive bite me in the near future. I want a real power, Sir.