The Real World: Different Country, Same Drunk Assholes

This week, the Real World house is off to Cancun, because after years of trying to broaden the casts’ horizons with safaris and trips to Nepal (RW: Seattle, 1998, son), the producers figured fuck it, we’ll save a ton of money on this trip by just sending them to Senor Frogs. When they’re told that they’re going to Cancun, Dave literally freaks the fuck out. He explains that there are not going to be any rules in Mexico. Because that’s been the thing that has been holding Dave back, all these rules. He’d be such a bigger douchebag if it weren’t for all these constraints imposed by living in a society of other human beings who hate when you take your pants off and shit in their drink. Mexico is going to be different because if there’s one thing Dave knows as an over privileged white kid from America it’s that you do NOT have to respect other cultures if you are on VACATION!

Before the trip, Will is in love with his girlfriend, former Real World castmember Janelle, but he is worried that if she doesn’t sleep with him before he leaves, he will cheat on her and not care about it. And he really wants to care about cheating on her when he does it, because that’s how you know you love someone is when you cheat on them and you don’t not give a shit. SPOILER ALERT she doesn’t sleep with him.

Within four hours of arriving in Cancun Will makes out with Brittini, Fair enough. Then he spends the rest of the show feeling sorry for himself because it turns out THERE WERE CAMERAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME. So unfair. He is going to have to tell Janelle and she is going to have to pretend to care, because otherwise her reappearance on a reality show really isn’t going to help her acting career at all. Will can’t bring himself to tell Janelle over his Boost Mobile phone, so he sends her an email and then immediately calls her? That is always the best way to be serious with people about your feelings. Janelle acts very mad. Janelle’s manager calls her up and says “Babe, you’re doing great. I’ve set you up with an audition for a Colgate commercial tomorrow at 3. Are you willing to do a nude scene?”

The activities on the trip include swimming with dolphins, which seems fun enough until you remember that Mexican pools don’t have the same regulations regarding chlorification so all the dolphins have herpes now. I’m not sure which of the Real World castmates gave the dolphins herpes, I just know that one of them definitely did. They also climb to the top of a Mayan ruin, which is seriously the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Here is this great testament to human civilization, and you have these seven trucknutz posing for pictures in between fighting about who can get drunker faster.

Speaking of fights, Kim and Sarah continue their intense campaign to be President and Vice President of the Worst People on Earth Society. Someone should politically assassinate them.

Yeah, Sarah, everyone in the restaurant was looking at you because Bri had gone off. Totally. It has nothing to do with the multiple camera crews surrounding the table, or the bright stage lighting. Just Bri. That girl really draws attention to herself.

When they get back to Hollywood, Will decides that the only way to get over his sadness about the breakup with Janelle that he caused by not giving a shit about her is to have a foursome with Dave and two girls they met at a club. Just after he cums on Dave’s face, Will gets a call from Janelle who wants to talk. They meet at a restaurant and she basically explains that not only did Will cheat on her, but he also didn’t apologize. Will excuses himself to go to the bathroom so that he can generate FAKE TEARS. Amazing. And it works. Janelle hugs him and wipes the fake tears from his stupid face and tells him that she wants it to work out. Will explains in an interview that he’s not fake crying but that if he thinks about wasabi he can make his eyes water. Hahaha. “She didn’t ask me if I was thinking about wasabi, so I didn’t actually lie, I just didn’t tell her how hard I was thinking about wasabi.” I would not mind if the political assassin who takes out Kim and Sarah accidentally fired off a third round.

Luckily, Janelle had already thought to order French fries for the serious discussion of how Will is an asshole. That is how you know they are going to take their relationship to the next level.

NEXT WEEK: the final episode. Christmas in July!