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Translating Jessica Biel’s First Blog Post

Actress Jessica Biel entered the blogopolis yesterday (via JustJared), regaling MySpace with her hilarious insights into the totally relatable experience of sitting in your trailer between scenes and dictating the basic structure of your observations to your assistant so that she can flesh out the actual blog post while you’re busy texting Justin Timberlake on your iPhone next to the craft services table, waiting for some minimum wage asshole (they are the worst) to finish making your kambucha smoothie.

It can be a little difficult to understand what Jessica Biel is trying to say, so I’ve taken the liberty of translating her first blog after the jump.

“Okay, so I’m sitting in my trailer between set-ups and I am praying for a surge of inspiration to make my first blogging experience a positive one.”

Okay, so I’m sitting in my trailer between set-ups and if my assistant doesn’t get back here soon with the whole wheat bagel with tofu cream cheese I demanded that she get me, I’m going to have to write this myself, and that’s not happening. Oh, here she is.

“I definitely did not make it onto the debate team in high school so I’m feeling extremely insecure about communicating publicly for the first time via the blogosphere (how about that word for a novice?). I’m still getting the lingo down. I have been “internet challenged” long enough and am thrilled to join the tech revolution! Plus, I only have four friends and am in dire need of more. Just kidding, I have six.”

Hey, Jessica’s assistant here. I definitely did not make it onto the debate team in high school, which is part of why I took this job (not smart), but I’m one of those people whose hunger for the spotlight means I’ll go to any length, including debasing myself to the impetuous desires of an egomaniacal actress. Anyway, I’m not going to bother doing any research for this because Jessica could make me go out at any second and get her some freshwater unagi hand rolls, or some Dooney and Burke bag she saw in the window of Fred Segal on her way to Pinkberry. “Internet challenged” sounds like something people say, right?

“Anyway, not only do I feel cooler being an official blogger, but I’m also realizing that this is a perfect place to share some projects that I’m working on that I’m really excited about. I’m trying on the producer cap with my friend, Michelle, with our production company Iron Ocean Films. We made a thirty minute short last year, called Hole in the Paper Sky about a man’s experience after meeting a dog that changes his life. I think it’s a really evocative, beautiful film, and it has won an award at all four festivals where it has screened. I’ll put up a trailer as soon as I can figure out how to do that:) I hope that animal lovers will be moved by this film as well because it has an animal rights element to it, which I’m a huge advocate for. I’m actually sitting here with my dog, Tina. She’s not really into blogging.”

Anyway, let’s get to the reason someone like Jessica Biel would have a blog in the first place: self-promotion. She’s really excited to tell you about this amazingly insipid project she’s working on because it’s only through the sycophantic support of insane fans that she’ll be able to build a side job as a producer to support her lifestyle after her looks fade and she stops getting acting work, a process which has already begun and will continue for the rest of her life, long after her inevitable breakup from Justin Timberlake.

“We also have a feature in development with United Artists, called Die A Little based on a book by Meagan Abbott. It’s a noir set in Hollywood during the glamorous 1950’s. I loved the book and I think it has major cinematic potential, but I’m getting a firsthand look at how difficult development is. Hopefully, I won’t be too old by the time we shoot this thing so I can play the main character. Fingers crossed.”

Seriously, Jessica Biel is going to need to find another way to make money, she only has so much time left as a starlet, and she lacks the serious talent to pull off roles based on actual human emotions.

“Also, considering the state of the world right now, I’ve been discovering some really amazing nonprofit organizations that are giving back to the planet and the people in wonderful and innovative ways. I’m going to try to highlight one that I’m really interested in every month. To find out more information on how to donate, check out mtdn.com. MTDN is the business that my family created to provide support for non profits.”

Jessica’s accountant told her that she could save a ton of money on taxes this year if she created a foundation that would funnel just a small portion of her millions of dollars to non-profit charities. Not only that, but it makes her look great. And if there’s one thing Jessica loves it’s her appearance.

“Okay, that’s it for now. I’m headed back to set. Hopefully this was a successful first try and I’ll catch ya on the flip side!!”

Jessica’s been gone for 45 minutes, blowing rails in the bathroom. She said she’ll catch you on the flipside, though. Seriously, she said that. She thinks “civilians” talk like that. Some nights, when I get home, I want to kill myself, but I don’t because I know that Jessica would call me back from the fiery depths of hell to go get her a gingerbread soy latte or some shit.