Al Roker Calls His Dick “Captain Winky”

Al Roker, the King of All Mediocrity, made his debut hosting Celebrity Family Feud last night. As one might expect, it was a vaseline-smiled romp with weather-beaten celebrities using their families to get the attention their careers no longer warrant. And working his barbecue-scented magic as the ringmaster for this circus of sadness was Al “I Like My Water Lukewarm” Roker.

Last night’s contestants were the families T and Rivers. There were plenty of terrible clips to choose from (writing this post was like being a kid in a candy store where the only candy was thoughts of suicide), so I kind of just closed my eyes and picked one at random. SURPRISE it’s the worst.

Did you hear a faint whistling at the end of that clip? It’s the wind blowing through the tail-fins of the atomic bomb I just dropped on America.