The Real World: Come With Me To The Catacombs, I Have Something I Want To Show You

After last week’s televised equivalent of water-boarding (that’s the one where you just get really crabby and want to change your DVR settings, right?), it was hard to go back to watching the Real World last night. But I did it, because I am a professional. A professional who wears sweatpants to the office. Which is his room. So, where were we. Everyone is a creep. Greg is a sociopath. Joey is in rehab. Kim is a wicked racist. Will got a bjob in the confessional from Greg’s girlfriend. And Dave is 3’7″ tall.

So, this week threaded two plotlines together: the plotline where for some reason no one finds Greg’s pranks—such as stealing personal property, putting rocks in beds, or scrubbing the dirty kitchen which Greg dirties in the first place with other people’s toothbrushes—hilarious, and the secondary plotline of Joey is in rehab which might create tension in a house of binge drinkers. But the rehab plotline is boring and mostly involves some of the roommates going to visit Joey in rehab and Joey going “Oh yeah!” like he’s in a Slim Jim commercial. The worst. Then everyone comes back to the house and has a deep conversation in the windowless living room (That whole house is windowless. One bag of bricks could probably seal up the doors and we’d be done with this.) about how when Joey comes back home they should probably switch from dark liquors to light liquors because it’s the color that’s scientifically proven to cause alcoholism. Just kidding, these people can’t have a conversation.

But the first plotline about Greg. That is the stuff. And by the stuff I mean the eye poison. I still love how angry everyone is this season about the contractual obligation to not punch each other in the face. If it weren’t for MTV’s lame fear of personal injury lawsuits, these guys would really express how they feel. And while Greg has mostly been the worst, this fight makes him look great, what with the unnecessary invocation of his dead father and the furious accusations that he is so gay that he should kill himself. So now I don’t even know who to hate anymore. Oh, after the fight I have posted below, a producer comes out and sends Will to a hotel for the evening to get his head straight, and then both him and Lil’ Dave have to go to anger management training, which, it might surprise you, makes them angry. Dave “does not like doing things he doesn’t want to do” and also “has no problem standing up for [him]self.” Sure, Dave. I wouldn’t have a problem standing up for myself either if I was only 2’11”.

Like I said, just one bag of bricks. It would be like “The Cask of Amontillado,” except instead of wine you lure them to their death with the promise of undeserved attention and plastic gallon jugs of generic vodka. You have insulted me for the last time Fortunados!