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Top Chef: Who Will Beat The Meat?

Last night’s Top Chef was all about steaks. The Quickfire Challenge was about steaks, the Elimination Challenge was about steaks, and the double entendres were not about steaks but they seemed like they were about steaks if you didn’t pay close attention. First the chefs had to butcher some meat at a meat factory and cook it medium rare for guest judge Rick Tramanto, who did not taste it, but simply looked at whether or not it was cooked properly. Fair enough, but then I would like to see Mr. Tramanto pay the same attention to his shirt to make sure that it fits him properly. Spike won the Quickfire Challenge, which would have been annoying but acceptable, until they cut to the chefs back at Chef Estates and Spike explained that he won because his grandfather was a butcher. Still acceptable, until another contestant light-heartedly joked “His spirit helped you,” and Spike, unsmiling, said, “Yes. He did.” Unacceptable, Spike. I just packed my knives and barfed.

For the Elimination Challenge the chefs took over Rick Tramnato’s new steak house and each prepared an appetizer and an entree. Because he won the Quickfire, Spike’s advantage was that he got to choose the proteins for his two dishes before the other contestants. I’ve got a protein he can choose. Spike picked a bag of sad frozen scallops and all the other chefs were like “we won’t be 86’ed on snaps tonight, because those look terrible.” They were all like that. Everyone else picked whatever and it was time to cook food.

The three guest judges for the meal where the three winners from previous seasons: HowardHarold (Ed. Note: I’m the best at my job), Ilan, and Hung.

Apparently all of Ilan’s button-down shirts were broken, so he had to wear a t-shirt. You would think that with all the money he won on the show he could afford classes in How To Dress For Dinner and Whoops, You’re On TV. It’s always fun on these reality shows when they bring back the previous season’s winners and all of a sudden you’re transported to Revisionist History Island where everyone is an unsympathetic critic. I’m pretty sure it was Ilan “Urban Outfitters Told Me This Was A Formal Ringer-T” Hall who said “this is the last episode before the finals. Wow me!” Wow this, motherfucker.

Stephanie won the Elimination Challenge, and is clearly in line for the toque as long as she can keep The Blaiseonater’s smoke bombs at bay. Didn’t she already win a trip to Italy or Spain or some Romance Language bullshit? Well, last night she won a full suite of kitchen appliances from whatever Top Chef sponsor foolishly thought they could stand alongside Glad and still be remembered. Congratulations to Stephanie. She is doing great, and she seems really nice, too. Actually, the three people who were automatically moved on to the finals in Puerto Rico, Stephanie, Blaiseotron 3000, and Antonia, were the three nicest people left in the competition, who kept the back-stabbing and the funny hat wearing to a minimum. Good work, guys. A round of hugs and friendship for the whole bar.

The bottom two were just that. If you look up “lesser of two evils” in the dictionary it’s NOT a picture of Spike and Lisa because these clowns don’t deserve to be in the dictionary. But if it was a picture of Spike and Lisa you would GET IT. Anyway, SPOILER ALERT even without watching the final judges table, you could have figured out who lost just by paying attention to the Elimination Challenge. Someone’s face during the inter-spliced interviews looked a little crinkled and tear-stained if you ask me.

Spike, even though we had our differences, you are a talented chef. I take back what I said about how I wished someone would decapitate you, and I also take back the comment about how anything can happen when there are no accidents. Good luck cooking hamburgers in Washington D.C..