Beyonce Knowles To Star In The Hobbit

The casting news today is that director Guillermo Del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy, Blade II), who has been signed on to direct the Lord of the Rings prequel, The Hobbit, is trying to wrangle some of the original cast from Peter Jackson’s trilogy to reprise their roles, namely Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, Andy Serkis as Gollum, and Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf. This is very exciting to fanboys and women who have sexual emotions for Viggo Mortensen, but I think we shouldn’t rush into things. The Hobbit is not really a prequel so much as a separate book (no nerdo). And I’m pretty sure Aragorn isn’t even in The Hobbit originally, ladies. They’re going to have to work him in (that’s what she said), probably by just having him smoke his shire weed pipe in the background wearing only his ancient leather g-string, forged in the fires of Mount Sex Object.

So we’ve got a separate legend, and a new director, I say we need a new cast as well.

The Cast of The Hobbit

Andy Milonakis as Aragorn

Samuel L. Jackson as Bilbo Baggins

Andy Samberg as Gollum

Jada Pinkett Smith as Gandalf

Abigail Breslin as The Dragon Smaug

Oscar bait for this year’s Best Cast award. The plot of the first movie should follow pretty true to the original book, but I’ve heard that they’re making some departures from the source material for The Hobbit 2 (seriously, they are making a movie called The Hobbit 2), namely Bilbo Baggins has his cover as an FBI agent blown while working at a fashion show, so the FBI decides to make him the new face of the agency (Miss Congeniality 2 reference. I’m the best. I have over 34 friends on Facebook.)