Woody Allen’s Next Movie Is Just Going To Be Scarlett Johansson And An Old Jew Silently Fucking In A Bagel Store

The trailer for Woody Allen’s new movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, guys:

Yes, this looks boring. No, Woody Allen hasn’t made a truly important film in almost 20 years. But you have to give him credit for cutting out all the bullshit and just saying “You know what, I’ve paid my dues. I want to see Scarlett Johansson fucking. A lot.” This movie should be called Who’s Up For Some Scarlett Johansson Fucking? And Misdemeanors. I will say that when the whole Soon-Yi thing was going on (yes, it’s still going on, but when it was going on in newspapers), I thought that as creepy as it may have been, the human heart is a complicated thing, and everyone was a consenting adult, and families are fucked up, and the guy still made Manhattan. But when you’ve been publicly accused of molesting your own adopted daughter, maybe it’s time to take focus your career on something other than the multi-film obsession with a woman 1/10th your age. Like that’s going to somehow stop you from dying?

Pro-tip: in order to fully understand the above paragraph, you need to figure out a way to watch the trailer without falling asleep.