"I think the Grammys are better in New York," Alicia Keys proclaimed before announcing the nominees for Record Of The Year. I'm not so sure about that, partially because in 2018 that meant hearing ad nauseam about how the Grammys had returned to the Big Apple for the first time in 15 years. (We get it, guys: U ❤️ NY.) Mostly I am skeptical of Keys' assertion because a change of scenery did nothing to alter the typical Grammy-night trajectory from cautious optimism to creeping dread to perturbed resignation. As I do every couple years, perhaps because my job as a pop music columnist means I can't ignore this historically godawful institution altogether, I told myself that maybe just maybe this would be the year the Grammys got it right. And then...
i’m sure this has been noted, but Best Comedy Album getting on the telecast instead of Rock Album is wild
— brad (@bshoup) January 29, 2018
Including the comedy award on the primetime Grammy broadcast wouldn't be so odd if the whole 270-minute ordeal wasn't limited to just nine awards -- this to make room for an endless procession of live music with only tangential connection to our present moment. Which focus group convinced the Grammys that people want to see performance after godawful performance? Can they please just hand out a bunch of trophies next year and break things up by letting the nominees in all the major categories perform? If you're so convinced these nominees represent the best music of the year, why not build your whole show around them instead of employing John Legend and Tony Bennett to forcibly remind us all that YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT, THE GRAMMYS ARE BACK IN ONE OF NEW YORK CITY's FIVE HALLOWED BOROUGHS?
Such an agenda still would have given us that titillating run through "Despacito" with all the verging-on-naked twerking serving as a universal translation for the lyrics. We still would have been blessed by Chappelle shouting out the egregiously snubbed A Tribe Called Quest while presenting Best Rap Album and Stapleton letting trad-country superproducer Dave Cobb speak while accepting Best Country Album. We'd have seen Bruno and Cardi doing their In Living Color homage in living color and SZA bringing "Broken Clocks" to life in real time. And if streamlining this slog would mean scrapping DJ Khaled, Rihanna, and Bryson Tiller's entertaining "Wild Thoughts" or preempting Elton John and Miley Cyrus' sorta fun "Tiny Dancer" duet... tough shit? Good luck on your three-year farewell tour, Elton? Looking forward to your inevitable stint as Grammys host, Khaled? And as for you, Rihanna and Miley, I'll probably catch you back here two years from now -- perhaps competing against each other for Album Of The Year? I think we all have a pretty good idea how that race might turn out.
