Jealousy, turning sauce into the heat
Swimming through hot sauce supplies
Choking on your hot sauce fries
But it’s just the price I pay!
Hot sauce is now calling me!
Open up my eager eyes!
‘Cause I’m Mr. Hot Sauce!

Yes, what you’ve assumed from that hot sauce-themed parody of “Mr. Brightside” that I myself composed is correct: the Killers have released a line of hot sauces, and no — I do not know why. Here’s how the Killers explain it on their hot sauce website:

First of all, thank you for getting involved with our hot sauce! We’ve been involved, with the idea at least, for years. You might say starting the band was just a means to make hot sauce. Yeah, it’s that good. Hotter than Vegas, and with four tasty flavors, it’s more than we thought we’d pull off, to be honest.

Made by hand, in small batches using only the finest ingredients like aged chilis, habanero peppers, cayenne peppers, hickory-smoked sea salt, and a dash of real sin from Las Vegas to make this most fabulous hot sauce on the market. So get ready, folks. Oblige your senses and pair with your favorite food and Killers records. DO IT! Your pals in music and sauce.

First of all, you’re welcome! And, okay, here are the facts we have related to why the Killers have made hot sauce:

• The Killers have been involved with the idea of hot sauce for years.

Fair enough. Also on the site, the Killers suggest their hot sauce functions as somewhat of a live music alternative during the COVID-19 era, saying: “We aren’t seeing you on tour but it tastes like we sound.”

An interesting concept. But does it taste like they sound? Let’s find out by taste testing each of the four hot sauces contained in their hot sauce bundle, which comes in a cardboard boombox that confused me greatly before I realized it contained hot sauce.

Hot Fuss

Description: “With aged cayenne peppers and a touch of sea salt, this is the perfect tangy Louisiana hot sauce that goes well on everything.”

My tasting notes: It occurred to me immediately when undergoing this taste test that I did not know how to taste test hot sauce, so I Googled “how to taste test hot sauce” and the internet told me to do it with cheese. Okay. So I sipped a bit of the hot sauce alone, and then tried a bit with cheese. This one tasted, to me, like wing sauce. What’s interesting is that apparently this is incorrect; there is a hot sauce the Killers recommend for wings, and it is not this one. I’m not sure if the fault is with me or the Killers. 

The Killers parody that it inspires: 

Well somebody told me 
You aren’t a wing sauce
But you taste like wing sauce
That I had at some point, I’m sure, in last year
It’s not confidential, you are apparently just a tangy Louisiana hot sauce that goes well on everything 

Does it taste like hot sauce, or how the Killers sound?: Hot sauce.

Fire In Bone

Description: “This is our verde hot sauce with fresh jalapenos, serrano, and cilantro, along with freshly dried garlic, onions, and hatch green chilis.”

My personal hot sauce tasting notes: In my taste test I found that this was clearly the sort of sauce that the description said it is. Good job to the Killers. My note was “green peppers, use on eggs.” To be honest, all of these hot sauces are pretty good and I will continue to eat them; this one in particular I will use on top of eggs. 

The Killers parody that it inspires: 

I wanna verde, fresh jalapeno!
You know, serrano, you don’t, cilantro
I want dried garlic, in the hearts of onion
I-want-a-meaning-from-the-back-of-my-hatch-green-chilis 

Does it taste like hot sauce, or how the Killers sound?: Hot sauce.

Caution

Description: “Hickory-smoked sea salt, habanero, hatch, tellicherry peppers, fresh dried garlic, onion, and a little brown sugar.”

My tasting notes: The Killers note that Caution is “Brandon’s favorite,” and isn’t that nice for Caution? (Other Killers members do not get a favorite.) I would say that I either agree with Brandon or slightly disagree. I think maybe the next one is “Kelly’s favorite,” but this one is pretty good. My tasting notes were “black pepper, chili.” During this hot sauce taste test I got a new appreciation for when on Top Chef they have to do blind taste test challenges. It always looked easy to me, but it’s actually hard.

The Killers parody that it inspires: 

They say that Brandon’s favorite, it ain’t so sweet
It is actually hot sauce
But you can dip your cheese
Every once in a little while…

Does it taste like hot sauce, or how the Killers sound?: Hot sauce.

Blowback

Description: “Ghost pepper (in abundance), habanero, and hatch chili take this sauce to another level!”

My tasting notes: The Killers write that this is the spiciest of their hot sauces, and in my taste test I agreed, noting: “smoky, spicy.” This is also the one they tell you to put on wings, writing: “Pro tip: this makes an amazing wing sauce. Add a 50/50 of Blowback and honey. It’s epic!” I’m sure it’s epic but I have to say that first one is just regular wing sauce and this one, while perhaps also a sauce you can use on wings, is not. I hope the Killers are reading this.

The Killers parody that it inspires: 

Ghost pepper in abundance …
Ghost pepper in abundance …
Ghost pepper in abundance …
Ghost pepper in abundance …

Does it taste like hot sauce, or how the Killers sound?: How the Killers sound. Just kidding, hot sauce.

So I suppose what we’ve found is that the hot sauce tastes not like how the Killers sound, which for the record is good, but instead like hot sauce, which for the record is also good. Fantastic. A proud day for both the Killers and hot sauce in general. I wish the band lots of luck on this endeavor which, as we know, they have been involved with the idea of for years.