Dear God,
This time I am actually going to kill him, and no amount of asian stunt people, former cast members of Alley McBeal, or guns in cereal boxes can stop me. You'll have to bury me alive.
Seriously, I have a very sharp sword, and if I ever meet you, it WILL cut you.
Sincerely,
Beatrix
Hi there!
I normally don't say much, but I am kind of stuck in a dungeon on this one. See the Tree that raised me has recently passed away, and my whole life I thought I was a wood creature, but I am actually a Hyrulean boy! And I met the princess and she sent me on some crazy quest to get her a bunch of jewelry and stuff, but all I have is this dinky sword and a shield that covers my entire body! I tried playing my flute a few times, but no matter how many times I turn night into day, everything stays the same and everybody always tells me the same things no matter how many times I talk to them. Plus there is some really mean looking dude on my tail, I think he is from the desert, he rides a horse. I don't know who to ask for help, except for this owl that is following me around for some reason. And people keep hinting at some sort of magic triangle that might be inside of me? I'm scared. Perhaps there is a big, awesome sword of some kind I can pull out of a stone and get older? I could really use a horse, getting around is a bitch. Also because this boomerang sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to fight a dragon at some point, and he will definitely eat me if I'm only four feet tall. I need some sage advice.
So are you saying that Andy Samberg's love of magnolia cupcakes is also a two-dimensional parody of a third-grader's concept of love? Because I'm hungry. Am I doing this right?
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