For some reason the Anthony Crispino Second-Hand News bit on weekend update always killed me:
"apparently these Muslamic guys, they want to show that Jim Carrey movie The Mask at ground zero."
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. ~ Kent Brockman
"I don't know what phallocentric means, but no girls!" - Mr. Burns
Bart: Hello, Mr. ...Kurns. I bad want...money now. Me sick.
Homer: Ooh, he card read good.
"We the purple? What the hell was that?" - from Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
"There will be no more mockery of your name Mr. Glasscock." - Skinner
"Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians."
I nominate The Life of David Gale.
I'm totally against the death penalty too, but after seeing this movie (in theaters no less) I wanted to strap the writer and director and most of the cast into an electric chair.
Conan Obrian's Mildly Heartwarming Story Hour, Because While I'm Sad He Got Screwed By One of the Worst People In America and Happy He Got A New Show, The Bottom Line Is He Still Got Millions of Dollars to Wipe Away the Injustice of NBC's Decision And Its Hard To Feel THAT Bad For Him, but Selfishly I'm Happy He's Back On Television
I haven't listened to it yet, but I'm guessing "Country Song" is a typical country song about how hard it is to have a website with shitty food, a rock star husband, shiny oil legs, insufferable insufferableness and yoga tips. You know, normal country music themes.
White Guy 1: "Do you think this movie will be as racist at Transformers 2?"
White Guy 2: "No way! Look, there is one black guy in it, how can it be racist?"
Black Guy: "My character can't read, speaks jive and the script has me giving fist bumps to everyone I meet. That last one isn't even a racial stereotype, Michael Bay is just an idiot. Whatever, I'm getting very rich from this movie."
The simple fact is that if Dicaprio had gone to Christopher Nolan and said "I want to play a magician. You know, I want to play like a sorcerer," and had Miles Davis and Walt Disney as "surrealist fathers (of sorts)" then he would be sitting top of the pops this week.
Seriously, I wasn't aware Monk was still on the air. I guess the Emmy voters are really big fans of the USA network at 2 in the afternoon while they process their soap operas, drink their prune juice and get ready for dinner at Carrows at 3:30. Wait, Gabe did you vote for Monk?
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