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Robyn

Welcome to the Grammys 2009, which promises to be a very special night in which Radiohead will perform with the USC marching band (proof!) and Robert Plant & Alison Krauss will win all the awards. Of course with all the promised performances there will be barely any time to hand out tiny gramophones. So far No Age missed their chance to be the first Smell band to win a Grammy (losing best packaging to Metallica’s terrifying vagina) and Rick Rubin beat Danger Mouse for Best Beard in Music Production. We figure nothing can be as bad as will.i.am last year, but he’s here again this year, so we can’t make any promises. Judging from the pre-event arrivals, M.I.A. might make good on her promise to give birth during her performance of “Paper Planes,” so let’s hurry up and get to this. This year’s special treat: We’ve got Gabe and Lindsay from Videogum over to make with the funny, and we’ll have EXCLUSIVE CONTENT on Twitter. You can’t stop this. This Grammys is REAL:

8:00 And we’re off with … U2′s “Sexy Boots.”

8:04: Well that happened. Not as interesting as Paul McCartney’s dye job.

8:05: Whitney Houston gets a standing ovation for not showing up with cocaine on her face!

8:08: Jennifer Hudson gets Best R&B award. Boyz II Men didn’t get the statue but they’re just excited to have a roof over their heads for a night. Everybody wins!

8:10: Damn. The Rock smells like shit.

8:10 Justin Timberlake and Al Green doing “Let’s Stay Together” featuring Keith Urban’s surprisingly tasty licks. The Reverend still has flow. No jokes there.

8:21 Damn, Coldplay didn’t send the puppets. This song is called “Lost.” Chris Martin’s outfit is called whaaaaa?

8:23: On SNAP make that “Lost+” because Jigga is onstage! Introducing the first time Jay-Z’s ever received a golf clap.

8:24: “Viva La Vida.” Man, that string section is CRUSHING IT. Wait, there’s no string section? Right.

8:30: Nice guitar solo, Lita Ford.

8:32: Best Country Performance goes to Sugarland. Yay I guess? You know, country and stuff. Face it, “Stay” is a great song, although Sugarland definitely took some liberties with that Lisa Loeb cover.

8:41: Song Of The Year goes to “Viva La Vida,” written by Joe Satriani (Feat. Creaky Boards).

8:45: At least Coldplay aren’t wearing the same outfits they always do, this time they are a slightly modified hue of ridiculous.

8:46: “Guilty of being white.” Kid Rock just made a Minor Threat reference! Not really, but we’re trying to see the good. Trying and also failing.

8:54: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift dueting! We saw their red carpet interview with Ryan Seacrest and they totally don’t hate each other, so just relax guys. You can stop caring so much about this.

8:57: Pop Collaboration With Vocals goes to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, their first win of ALL THE AWARDS.

9:03: Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation, which is an appropriate response.

9:09: Can’t wait for that Sully (Feat. T-Pain) joint. More (Feat.) jokes!

9:10: If Stevie could only see all the misery he’s creating.

9:16: Coldplay beats Radiohead for Best Rock Album. I mean obviously, right guys?

9:21: Oh sorry, we blinked and then Blink 182′s reunion was over. Everybody’s back to hating Tom DeLonge again. Travis is much better looking post-helicopter crash than we are ever, so there’s that.

9:23: Katy Perry hits the screen, the keyboards in the Gum liveblog room go crazy.

9:24: Kanye follows the fruit and cleavage show with Estelle and “American Boy.” Everybody’s like who is that girl, we are like Estelle looks like pretty fly in that Hershey Kiss outfit.

9:30: Adele is the latest in a long line of British people taking all our awards tonight what up with that.

9:37: Morgan Freeman summons every last shred of his prowess as an actor in declaring his friendship with Kenny Chesny. Still not buying.

9:40: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss win Record Of The Year, their next in the series of winning ALL THE AWARDS, and depriving all of us of seeing a nine-month pregnant Sri Lankan from walking through the crowd. Now THAT’S (a lost chance at) entertainment.

9:43: Poor Alison never gets to say anything.

9:48: M.I.A.! “Paper Planes” for a second! PRO TIP: Black and white makes you look less pregnant.

9:51: Lil Wayne, Jay-Z, Kanye, and T.I.! The new brat pack! Or something! Admit it, even with carrying a human in her belly Maya’s got better moves than you.

9:56: Sir Paul doing “Saw Her Standing There” with Dave Grohl. Coachella ticket sales go up, Ringo’s spirits stay down.

10:05 Jack Black and jazz-bass great Charlie Haden give the Best Male Pop Vocal to John Mayer, beating Ne-Yo and Macca The cameraman registers his discontent by momentariliy disconnecting the live feed.

10:19: Gweyneth Paltrow, sans faux-British accent, introduces Radiohead. This to make up for all the times her husband bit their shit.

10:20: RADIOHEAD! “15 STEPS!” USC MARCHING BAND. This is the part where we stop typing for a minute and actually watch.

10:21: Between the USC marching band jamming with Radiohead, and the Vassar Orkestar playing with Beirut at BAM this weekend, college band geeks are having the best week ever.

10:22: On Thom Yorke: Now that’s how you dance, bitches. That is also how you grow out your hair.

10:24: Well shit that was good. You guys are right, we should really check out this Radiohead band sometime.

10:29: Justin Timberlake joines T.I. on “Dead And Gone.” This is actually pretty tight. Radiohead you can have your glossy marching band, JT and T.I. will take their rhythms bucket-ghettocore style, thanks.

10:36: Oh nice, the president of Recording of the World. I know this speech is somehow directed at me because he said “downloading,” but this speech also is somehow STOP TALKING YOU ARE GOING TO PUT AMERICA TO SLEEP.

10:38: Smokey Robinson looking good! You can’t see the tracks of his tears because the plastic on his face is water-repellent.

10:47: You know what? Fuck Sully.

10:48: OK gather the kids ’round the TV. Neil Diamond on “Sweet Caroline.” This guy is about to show you bitches how it’s done.

10:49: And it’s done by morphing into William Shatner.

10:53: Dead people montage. Lux Interior better be in this.

10:55: Keith Urban, B.B. King, Buddy Guy, and John Mayer trade solos in tribute to Bo Diddley. A couple people up there are mangling the blues, but B.B. still is doing great with diabetes, btw.

11:02: Thicke and Weezy. Lil Wayne is doing it right, Robin is straight groaning pains. (Zing.)

11:10: Lil Wayne wins Best Rap Album for Tha Carter III. But the surprise is how not-insane he is in accepting the award. He dropped the D, Miss Katie.

11:17 T-Bone, Krauss, Plant. aka the winners of ALL THE AWARDS.

11:18: OK you guys. Alison and Robert totally did it. Right?

11:24: And Album Of The Year goes to….

11:25: Robert Plant and Alison Krauss aka the winners of (you get it by now).

11:26: From the wisdom of Mr. Goldenfiddle: “Grammy Tip: If you ever find yourself already waiting backstage when your award is being announced, YOU WIN.”

11:27: God bless you too T-Bone. And you, Green Day. And you, Stevie Wonder. And you guys for making it through the longest Grammys in Grammy history (unverified fact).

This year the Grammys made overtures to hipness, and relevance, and in the end it still was obvious who was going to win ALL THE AWARDS. Hope you had fun with us. We’ll sign off by noting that NARAS has rather incredibly made Stevie Wonder into Grammy sponsor soundtrack AND the 4th Jonas Brother in the same night. That about says it all. See you tomorrow.

Comments (348)
  1. ew I don’t dig new U2
    Bono should go back to saving the world

  2. uggh I need a more pretentious music award show

  3. Wow. That U2 Song was bad.

  4. Whitney Houston: proof crack never really leaves the system.

  5. rumor mill: chris brown beat the shit out of rhianna

  6. Is there a host? And I hope it isn’t The Rock.

  7. someone should tell jennifer hudson she forgot to put her napkin away.

  8. escapeclubispissedatbono  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    why did jennifer hudson decide to wear the place setting on the front of her dress?

  9. OrangeKrush  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    They have the worst writers ever. Now I remember why I stopped watching this show years ago…

  10. jennifer hudson’s dress is so expensive she refuses to take the protective paper towel off of it even when accepting awards.

  11. This is awful.

    Duane Johnson? Puke city.
    I’m against everything U2 does.

  12. Percy Chatsworth  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Wow, the U2 performance was the equivalent of a parent playing Rock Band.

    Also, Did you see Kate Perry’s pained expression when Dwayne Johnson was reading out the words to her terrible song?

  13. andrew  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    FUCK METALLICA

  14. Percy Chatsworth  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Wow, the U2 performance was the equivalent of a parent playing Rock Band.

    Also, Did you see Kate Perry’s pained expression when Dwayne Johnson was reading out the words to her terrible song?

  15. Robert  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    JT’s General Store joke was weak. Like his suit.

  16. Hey guys guess what! the general store..is pretty general. .. i bet JT felt pretty retarded when no one laughed at that “joke” or what ever it was.

  17. Is just me, or is this all kinda awkward?
    Stupid jokes with no laughs etc?

  18. g-wog  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    10 minutes in, God gets his first shout-out

  19. Al Green is so the man! Who the F is Keith Urban????

  20. That Miley Cyrus/Taylor Swift duet is going to be painful to watch.

  21. g-wog  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    It’s fitting that The Rock was (is?) a wrestler, because every time I see him I want to punch him in the face.

  22. cocaine joke, guys? f’real?

    I really enjoy that new U2 track.

    also, that Justin/Al performance was really entertaining and well done. besides the flailing jokes from presenters, this looks like it might be a fun show.

  23. Ray  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Great
    Recording
    Artists
    Making
    Music
    Yes!

    thank you Dwayne Johnson

  24. LOL at “General Store”. Not a single laugh. Good performance though.
    No, not you Duane. not good performance. Almost made me shut off my justin.tv livestream, you douche. Beatle Fighters?

  25. get FUCKED coldplay

  26. Jay Z is in love with Coldplay. It is beyond official.
    I like his Brutus rhyme.

  27. Coldplay? How about Chris Martin feat. Jigga?

  28. is coldplay the most boring band around? and there is absolutely nothing good about this collaboration with Jay Z.

  29. Coldplay = cancer.

  30. Sarah  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Coldplay looks like they are wearing their backup jackets. Downgrade.

  31. Jay-Z was entirely unnecessary during the Coldplay performance. And Chris Martin looks like he’s tired of singing Viva La Vida, and is Will ‘s mic on?

  32. This Coldplay song is so ubiquitous I can’t remember a time before it existed. And its still better than the crap U2 dumped out earlier.

  33. Coldplay look like they’re wearing the Sgt. Pepper’s loungewear line.

  34. nate  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Coldplay is making my brain hurt. What the hell are they wearing? And doesnt Chris seem too old/out of place to be prancing around?

    Will Radiohead & The USC Marching Band just perform so I can go do something else?

  35. Robert  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Martin went into Gwenie’s closet for that shirt. yeeesh. But I love them though.

  36. I’d feel better apologizing for Coldplay if they would just ditch the gay colonial war outfits.

  37. carrie looks like she stole her shirt from mamma cass

  38. St. Nico  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    I’m ashamed to come from the same state as Carrie Underwood, seriously can’t she just disappear like the rest of those AI hasbeens.

  39. are radiohead and mia still performing? havent heard them mentioned once.

  40. Man, Carrie has a great voice.

  41. rob  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    I really wish the blog comments weren’t so negative. We get it. You only like indie music. Sorry Animal Collective aren’t fucking playing. Get over yourselves.

  42. From Jesus take the wheel to one nighters. Carrie underwood is a role model to all.

  43. carrie underwood is way too hot to dissapear

  44. Mike  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    The sound on these performances is awful.

  45. g-wog  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    and all this time I thought that SugarLand was the new installation at Hershey Park…

  46. Thanks to the Grammy producer for highlighting how awful the lyrics of Get On Your Boots are!

    Was it just me or did Whitney Houston seemed a bit… off?

    Also, could someone please start a fund to buy Coldplay some clothes? Chris Martin’s clothes was a size too small. And please, Mr. Martin, people already saw Bono opened the show, we didn’t need a redux.

  47. Kabuki Mask Code Red!!!! Nicole Kidman is in attendance!

  48. jx  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    over/under on how long it takes for somebody to actually mention radiohead?

  49. Bing  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    Oh man, Coldplay are biting Arcade Fire so hard with that “Viva La Vida” song

    (That’s probably why it’s the first Coldplay song I actually like.)

  50. these comments are at the same intelligence level of gawker’s, and that’s no compliment.

    • I wonder how much intelligence it takes to insult people who are commenting. Seriously, the point of that is? To show how condescending you are? Shoo, please.

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