You’ve been waiting patiently all weekend, so let’s get this thing going. Welcome to this year’s MTV Video Music Awards, this year featuring three whole awards dedicated to videos! We’ve been hypnotized by John Norris’s amazing new wig, Kanye’s plastic-looking facial hair, and Paris’s wonky eye. But all that’s behind us. Live blog begins … now.
Suchin says “the party has officially started”! If you’re just tuning in, you haven’t missed much. When did Boys Like Girls become popular? LC cleans up nice.
And, controversy already! Kanye’s upset that he wasn’t chosen to open the awards. “Maybe my money?s not right. Maybe my skin?s not right.” Maybe you’re mind’s not right? Everybody’s out to get you, ‘Ye.
Ah, the Foos, breaking down their crazy suite (Josh Homme, Lemmy, Mastodon). A moment in VMAs history: 10 years ago Pat Smear announced he was quitting the band. And tonight? Cee-Lo joins Foo Fighters! In a flasher jacket, no less.
Okay, let’s get this out of the way: It’s Britney, bitch.
Wow, she’s not even trying to feign singing. Her lip syncing is almost as bad as her weave.
Oh Criss Angel, this is the time to make her disappear.
Crowd reaction shots: Black people don’t care about Britney.
Sarah Silverman brings up Britney. Brace for it…
Wow Sarah. Way to use those stretched lips to suck all the air out of the room.
Mark Ronson will be re-versioning songs you love all night long with his house band, “Watered Down Motown.” You could really hear his guitar!
Pete Wentz’s mic doesn’t work. Wishes do come true!
Eve’s on stage, her alcohol-monitoring anklet is not. Sweet iMovie graphics, MTV. You really do get Web 2.0.
Rihanna wins her first of 15 awards for Monster Single Of The Year.
Kanye’s suite features one dude without the regulation ventilated, venetian shades. He’s getting kicked out momentarily, unless he can come up with a blond dyke.
Commercial break. Let’s watch this.
Hey, it’s Thicke! He’s looking a lot like Alan these days. And Jennifer Hudson. We once ran into her at JFK airport once. At Hudson News. True story.
Justin Timberlake wins quadruple threat. We challenge: Isn’t he a quintuple threat?
Unfortunately the FOB mics are working now. Pete throws his bass! How rawk. It hit Krist Novoselic.
“What if I say I’m not like the others.” Said the Foo’s cellist.
It’s the Most Earth-Shattering Collab award, presented by good friends Kanye and Fifty. Someone’s overdressed.
Most Earth-Shattering Collab goes to Beyoncé. She snubbed 50 Cent for a smooch.
Adam Levine & the Dap Kings. Nice vest.
Another commercial. You know you wanna watch this again.
Shock G aka Humpty?
Chris Brown’s pod-hopping performance has us thinking: Lip syncing ain’t what it used to be. It’s okay, 50 Cent made screwing up your sync cool. Reminds us of our last trip to Benihana.
Thanks Rihanna, that was actually pretty good!
Should we really have a Michael Jackson song playing when little children are in such close proximity?
Hey, a “D.A.N.C.E.” bumper! Tip your glasses, kids.
Hey Farnsworth! Where ya been man? You inpsired Rihanna’s biggest hit and all, thought you’d be everywhere.
Male artist of the year goes to … Justin Timberlake. He’s joined by the Maestro. Wow JT’s amazing humility, tempered by a douchey “dayum.” Okay, humble pie, “play more vids MTV,” etc. … this speech was Justin’s attempt to be the people’s champion. Buying it? And did he just dis the Simpsons movie?
MTV heeds JT’s complaints with … a commercial for A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila!
JT’s getting arrested for that speech! Oh no, he’s just being led down a hallway to sing “Ayo Technology.”
Hey it’s Shia the Beef! And he announced the title of the new Indy flick: Indiana Jones And The… actually we don’t care.
Female artist of the year: Fergie! Is she even a woman? Ludacris refused to stand. He’s got an erection.
Kanye’s bringing the “Good Life” to his Palms suite. Is the good life better than the life we live? Looks like it! But at least we have better taste in tuxes and shades.
It’s a Fueled By Ramen extravaganza! Gym Class Heroes, Brandon Urie, Fall Out Boy, and some rappers we don’t recognize.
The girl from Transformers sends it over to … Aaron Neville? Pass the cocoa butter. Oh, right, it’s an out-of-breath maestro. Timbaland brings us Linkin Park. Rick Rubin, now we see! You are definitely maybe our savior.
Hey the Entourage guys come out to muted applause. It’s gotta be weird for Adrian Grenier to play someone infinitely more famous than he’ll ever be. But at least he’s filming for that documentary that was his excuse for hanging with Paris Hilton for a week.
Serj Tarkanian performs to an audience including Jesus Christ! Or Ted Nugent. Can’t really tell. And, really, they’re so easily confused.
Rihanna + Fall Out Boy = Actually fuck it we’re terrible at math. Seth Rogen and Bill Hader! Swoon. Kid Rock has no teeth. And let’s take a quickie poll: Peter Bjorn & John’s chances of winning Best New Artist? We’ll start the bidding at 0%.
Alicia’s lookin’ like a cross of Dr. Teeth and Rowlf. Probably that hairnet. They’ve got Alicia Keys working the kitchen before/after her performance.
Alright everybody, 15 minutes left! We can make it together! As long as we all take a sippy sip right abouts now. And, go! Just in time to make noise for Jamie Foxx.
The Foxx will not let the Garner speak. Speak, Garner!
Anyone know when Jamie Foxx’s new movie’s coming out?
“The winner is Gym Class Fall Out”? Hey did Jennifer Garner just make a music joke? That’s probably giving her too much credit. Must be she can’t read.
Hey it’s that girl from the internet! Miss South Carolina, you’re saying words but somehow, such as, you’re not, making sense. Definitely digging this Mark Ronson/Miss South Carolina re-version.
“fall out boy is the biggest waste of air in the history of breathing and air and history and waste and boys.” steve, we love you.
Hey Ronson brought Daniel Merriweather in for “Stop Me.” And he shaved that soul patch. Mary J. Blige thanks you.
Mary J’s giving props to an innovating producer. How much you wanna bet she’s not talking about Steve Albini?
Holy shit Dre’s HUGE! The Doctor’s been using performance enhancing chronic.
And the video of the year goes to … Rihanna! Okay, three awards, we were off on our prediction of 15. Since there aren’t 15 awards, we aren’t surprised. Diddy promises one more big performance. Aside from the Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock punchout.
So the special performance stars Nelly’s poor choice of dress, Timbaland’s beef pipes, the people’s champ JT, and possibly that girl who won the phoneathon to sing with JT during the Grammys. Justin’s dancing. Anybody know where Chris Brown is?
And, we’re done. Sway said “This one goes out to my girl Britney who asked ‘What time do I go on?'”
So that’s it. Was there even a highlight? Judging by the pall in this room, we’re thinking no. We’d say we’ll see ya next year, but first we’ll see if they don’t cancel this thing. In summation: see Fifty’s face.