Holy Shit, Tiptoes!

All you should know before watching the trailer for Tiptoes is that it’s an ACTUAL MOVIE from 2003 and not some fake trailer from Tropic Thunder, and that it stars Kate Beckinsale, Matthew McConaughey…and Gary Oldman in “the role of a lifetime” walking around on his knees AS A DWARF. Introducing a bunch of pretty big-name actors’ dirtiest little direct-to-DVD secret movie they never want anyone to know about: Tiptoes:

Like I said: this movie is real. It’s by the director of Freeway and Freeway 2: Confessions Of A Trick Baby. I just bought it on Amazon for $3.97 including shipping. Here’s what Kate Beckinsale had to say about Gary Oldman right after filming, in an interview with MTV about Underworld (and, strangely, one of the few things said about it on the internet!):

“He was on his knees,” Beckinsale explained. “He was basically on his knees with a prosthetic part of his head and face and a hump and different kinds of harnesses to strap his arms back to make them short, and special clothes. They had various different effects, like if he was sitting in a chair, his legs would actually be inside the chair and he’d have these little fake legs sticking out on top. It was amazing what they did with him.”

Wait, we knew about ridiculous absurdity in 2003, right? I mean, just reading that quote, someone should have known this movie was a huge mistake. “A hump”? “Little fake legs sticking out”? They actually HAD Peter Dinklage. He agreed to be in the movie. And yet they chose to use Gary Oldman and special effects instead. And also EVERY OTHER THING ABOUT THIS TRAILER starting with the wallpaper-painting would-be bj and ending with the ending, which I just read about on IMDB comments (spoiler alert, I guess): Kate Beckinsale and Gary Oldman end up together. It’s simply mind-blowing that all these people thought this movie was a good idea. Oh also? If you’re a filmmaker, you might want to skip this next Tiptoes fact:

Official Selection, 2004 Sundance Festival.

Ouch. (Thank you for the tip, and new obsession, Jonathan!)