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Friday Fight: Will Anyone Watch The Oscars?

gabe: do you care about the oscars?
lindsay: Actually, yeah.
gabe: see, that is the thing
lindsay: Not about who wins, but about the pageantry and the memories of being a kid and watching them.
gabe: people are talking about how this is going to be the least watched oscars in history
gabe: but i don’t know why this one is that different
gabe: they all seem like this one to me
lindsay: It’s like Christmas: you don’t care what your presents are but Christmas morning is still really special to you.
gabe: i think this is going to be the most watched oscars in history, for one reason
gabe: and one reason only
lindsay: HEATH
gabe: no
gabe: because

gabe: everyone will want to see whether or not hugh jackman pees his pants
gabe: which he will
gabe: i’m going to have an oscar watching party at my house, and i’m going to give everyone a pair of sweatpants and a gallon of water
gabe: and i’m going to cover the couch in a tarp
lindsay: Hahahaha
lindsay: Um, you’re not having an Oscar party.
gabe: no
lindsay: Because we both have to work.
gabe: that is NOT why i am not having an oscar party
lindsay: We’re CINDERELLA at this year’s Oscar party balls.
gabe: F
gabe: Y
gabe: I
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: I used to have a party every year
lindsay: shut up.
gabe: well you also just said
gabe: that you love the pageantry
gabe: there is more than one thing that is different about the way you and i feel about the oscars
lindsay: Yeah, that was like giving you a present.
lindsay: That was like asking a bully to hold your lunch money for you for a second while you tie your shoe.
gabe: no, giving me a present is giving me a present
gabe: ok, the second one was closer
gabe: but that was not a present
gabe: i know what a present looks like
gabe: it looks like this

lindsay: hahahahaha
gabe: i think that people will watch this year’s oscars
gabe: because of THE ECONOMY
gabe: did i just blow your mind?
gabe: i’m basically taking you to college right now
lindsay: I’m just going to watch for the commercials.
lindsay: Who do you think will accept the award for heath ledger?
lindsay: I hope it’s the jonas brothers!
lindsay: Did you watch as a kid?
lindsay: Did you dream of being up there one day?
lindsay: And is it okay if someone you know maybe still does a little bit every year?
gabe: i watched, sure
gabe: it is made for children
gabe: it’s basically a children’s show
lindsay: except for the music and dance numbers!
lindsay: my god
lindsay: those seem to be based on a series of kickbacks
lindsay: because nobody actually likes them, in the world
gabe: that is probably not true
gabe: your mom probably loves them
lindsay: my parents don’t have TV.
lindsay: not even one channel.
gabe: your mom probably would love them
lindsay: so there!
gabe: if you look up pyrrhic victory in the dictionary
gabe: there’s a picture of you
gabe: doing the elaine benes dance
gabe: it’s an animated gif actually
gabe: the first animated gif in the dictionary ever
lindsay: hahahaha
lindsay: the pages move
gabe: which is itself another pyrrhic victory
gabe: AND THE CIRCLE IS UNBROKEN
lindsay: it’s a flip book
gabe: no, it is not a flip book
lindsay: yes it is
gabe: jesus, you should really expense a dictionary
gabe: so that you know what one looks like
lindsay: there’s a little flip book on that page
gabe: so that you can understand all of my monster dictionary jokes
lindsay: in this hypothetical dictionary that anyone is allowed to design!
lindsay: Pyrric victories were the first epic fails
gabe: seriously, though, how many times do you think hugh jackman will pee his pants?
gabe: how many times do you think the actor in him will take over?
gabe: that’s how i excuse myself to go to the bathroom now, btw
gabe: i say “excuse me, the actor in me has to take over”

lindsay: Hahahahahahhaa
lindsay: You are so obsessed with that
lindsay: you’re going to have a Hugh Jackman Pees His Pants-themed birthday party this year
gabe: the fact that you are not obsessed with that is what is wrong with you
lindsay: I’m meta obsessed
lindsay: I’m obsessed with you being obsessed
gabe: the only thing more interesting than that
gabe: is that guy from The City
gabe: buying a blowjob with oxycontin

lindsay: That is so true!
gabe: and the fact taht we have to spend our day talking about the oscars
gabe: whn things like that are happening in the world
gabe: is ridiculous
gabe: which is why
lindsay: That concept is like an ad for oxycontin
gabe: this is my formal IM of resignation
lindsay: “Oxycontin: Someone blew ME for it.”
lindsay: – That Guy
lindsay: Who do you think the presenters will be?
gabe: ugh, that’s another thing
gabe: this whole presenters mystery
gabe: OH MY GOD, I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DENZEL WASHINGTON AND JULIA ROBERTS!
gabe: like, what do people think?
gabe: it’s not going to be Bam Margera and the fat guy from Borat
gabe: it’s going to be famous Hollywood actors
gabe: there are, like, 15 of them to choose from
lindsay: Who have a movie coming out in the next six weeks
lindsay: or if it’s Brendan Fraser, two years

gabe: brendan fraser won’t present an award, will he?
gabe: if he presents an award then the whole thing is more bankrupt and ridiculous than i thought
lindsay: it seems like he does every year
lindsay: and is promoting a movie that nobody has heard of
lindsay: because it’s in pre-production
lindsay: well we know that the winners from last year will present
gabe: well look at you
lindsay: because that’s a thig
lindsay: thing
gabe: Professor of Fraser Studies
gabe: yeah
gabe: if there is one thing that i know about the oscars, it’s that Brendan Fraser did not win one last year
gabe: or any of the years
lindsay: Brendan Fraser really needs to stretch himself as an actor.
gabe: unless they ever put Encino Man 2 into production
gabe: the problem with “needs to” is its reliance on “able to”
gabe: it’s funny that the only people talking about whether or not anyone is going to watch the oscars
gabe: are entertainment blogers who already have the whole night planned out

lindsay: yeah
lindsay: I definitely hate myself for still caring about the oscars in any way.
lindsay: it’s all vestigial kid stuff
gabe: you and the kids stuff
gabe: look, i don’t want to be a broken record here
gabe: but it all boils down to one thing
gabe: whether or not america wants to see hugh jackman pee his pants
gabe: which he will
gabe: look, i don’t want to be a broken record here
gabe: but it all boils down to one thing
gabe: whether or not america wnats to see hugh jackman pee his pants
gabe: which he will
gabe: look, i don’t want to be a broken record here
gabe: and scene
gabe: lindsay?