Cosmo Finds Every Possible Way To Please Your Man

The only way this Onion News Network Today Now report on Cosmopolitan Magazine’s landmark discovery of every possible way to please a man could be better is if they said the word “taint” (are taint jokes so 1990s now?) OR if they mentioned the most classic Cosmo man-pleasing tip of all time, which involves a scrunchie. But this will do:

I demand an entire segment with the author of the Shit Yourself Thin diet book.