The best part about the 46th Grammy awards was when they gave Celine Dion a broken microphone.
That was funnier than when Dolly Parton donkey-kicked Julio Iglesias, which didn’t even really happen, except during the part when Sarah McLachlan was singing a song about mermaids and I fell asleep and dreamed it happened.
The point is nobody cares who won anything. They just want to know if they missed anything good while they were watching “Smokey and the Bandit II” on cable.
Well, lots of good stuff happened. But more bad stuff happened, and that’s better than when good stuff happens.
Like, Prince came out of a UFO. OK. Great. That was cool. But instead of adding some laser fights and abominable snowmen or having Pac-Man duet with him on “Darling Nikki,” the producers just had Beyonce come out and not hump him even though they were singing “Let’s Go Crazy.”
What about the ratings?
Justin Timberlake brought his mom as his date. Another mistake right there.
And then for the intro of the whole show, they said there were going to be Carole King, Richard Marx, Michael McDonald and the USC Trojans Marching Band. What, Hall & Oates were unavailable? Like, who’s going to watch now? Especially when Burt and Loni are on the other network?
There was a part where Sting, Vince Gill, Dave Matthews and Pharrell of the Neptunes sang “I Saw Her Standing There.” That was the worst tribute to the Beatles since Tiffany sang “I Saw Him Standing There.”
Christina Aguilera sang “Beautiful” with full-on dry ice, bad wigs and a choir — just like a Guns N’ Roses concert except without any good songs or guitar solos.
The White Stripes had Home Depot lamps onstage to make them look more credible, but because they don’t have any suntans, the lights just reflected off their skin and made everyone in the audience go blind, including some orphans. Not really, but it could have easily happened. Clive Davis should buy them tanning beds for their tour bus.
The best acceptance speech of the evening was Andre “3000” of OutKast, who came onstage late and said, “Thankyou!” (like one word) and jumped back into the audience while Aerosmith and B.B. King were all, “What the hell? Is that guy high or something?”
And everything would be way, way better if Alicia Keys started biting the head off a bat every time she sang a song. Or if Ozzy Osbourne didn’t wear a neck brace now. And if Sting didn’t wear a skirt and knee-high socks like a Japanese schoolgirl. Why is everything so bad in the world?
Hilary Duff was naked. No, she wasn’t, she was just wearing a pink dress. But when Aguilera came back on to accept her award for something in a dress with 3 feet of cleavage, it became obvious why CBS needed to put a five-minute delay on the broadcast.
The next best part was when Madonna made fun of Yoko Ono for crying about her dead husband. Madonna, manners. Manners, Madonna. The two of you have probably never met.
Since when do all country guys look as if they’re in Bon Jovi? Probably since Beyonce could walk out of paintings with caterpillars on her eyes that birds flew down on her head to peck. And since Norah Jones got an MTV makeover so she looks as if she’s 12. Eminem better not steal her Barbie dolls backstage.
Snoop Dogg is two guys now? Who wear capes and hang out with George from “Seinfeld”? And Foo Fighters are a New Age band with Chick Corea? And Santa Claus is best friends with Big Bird? Wait, no, that was just Michael McDonald and Mary J. Blige. Are they totally sure Hall & Oates were unavailable? Even Kenny “Highway to the Danger Zone” Loggins was there.
The last, best part of the whole night was when the other OutKast (the first OutKast was in the funk-jam part of the night) came out to sing “Hey Ya! ” and there was a tepee with smoke coming out of it, Indians from the future, a marching band and one of the Village People on the decks.
No, the part where Celine Dion had a broken microphone was better.