Found Found Found

No, not Jerry Garcia’s toilet (sadly still MIA).

But rather I’m referring to Morrissey’s sex drive, last seen in the dorm room of William (though, allegedly, it was really nothing). Lyrics on the singer’s new album have listeners once again speculating about the sexual proclivities of their bedsit hero.

When we first spied the tracklist to Ringleader, and you guys suggested a hundred hilarious fake Mozzy-style track names, we couldn’t have predicted the lusty overtones of “Dear God Please Help Me.”

There are explosive kegs / Between my legs
Dear God, please help me
Then he motions to me / With his hand on my knee
Dear God, did this kind of thing happen to you?
Now I’m spreading your legs / With mine in-between
Dear God, if I could I would help you

But the heart… feels free

In the new Spin — yes, it still exists, just with more punk pornHow Soon Is Never? scribe Mark Spitz asks the question on everyone’s mind, and Morrissey is predictably cagey.

SPITZ: There’s explicit sexuality in some of the lyrics.
MOZ: Only in the ear of the beholder.
SPITZ: “Dear God Please Help Me” probably most so.
MOZ: I am here. I am walking through Rome. My heart is on a string. I am open to offers.
SPITZ: You’ve always been open to offers. You’ve just never taken them.
MOZ: I was gazing through my own frosted window. I don’t feel that now. I couldn’t really imagine being desired. Now, just in the nick of time, I feel perhaps I can be.
SPITZ: So are you sexually active now?
MOZ: Well, it’s about time. That’s all I can say.

It’s about fucking time indeed.

Morrissey – “Dear God Please Help Me” (MP3)

“There is no such thing as life as normal,” goes to the chorus-backed refrain on “The Youngest Was The Most Loved.” And we say whatever turns you on, Moz. Let out your inner Vito Spatafore, as long as it doesn’t involve silly costumes.

For those who have yet to pick up Mozzer’s Tony Visconti-aided glam-bam-thank-you-lad rebirth, you’re missing out, despite whatever you reviews you’ve read. (Buy it: Amazon | iTunes.) Though if you’re anything like Stereogum, you’ll buy Morrissey’s albums ’til he’s crooning about death from his, er, deathbed.

But honestly, do we really believe Morrissey was celibate for the last twenty years?