Top Chef: All-Stars S01E010: Say Hi To My Mother For Me

(Photoshopping courtesy of Patrick M.)

Everyone say hi to my mom (again)! It’s no secret that my mom loooooves Gabe’s Top Chef Recaps. Because of the long and storied history of this obsession, I’ll recap the tale in pictures spanning Videogum, Twitter, and even the Huffington Post (!!!):

See what I mean? Of course, my mom (who has the same name as Gabe’s mom!) was tickled pink by all of this and thinks she’s internet famous.

So when I told my mom (who started blogging before me, is on Twitter, saw Catfish before me, and cavorts with a group of knitting ruffians called The Stitchin’ Bitches, but also likes most of the movies in The Hunt) that I’d be guest blogging on Videogum today, I knew this was bound to happen. “This” being my mom guest-guest-blogging the Top Chef Recap. Reverse nepotism! Be forewarned: this is very much a mom-review and somehow devolved into being almost exclusively about an underground Top Chef betting ring for knitters. My comments are in parentheses.

I wanted to really like this episode, but I didn’t like it one bit. On to the recap…

The Quick Fire. It was great to see the Sesame Street characters, but I see them while watching reruns with my 1 year old granddaughter. (Not my kid! My niece!) So no biggie there. It was great to see Elmo, Telly and Cookie Monster on late night TV. Elmo is a different monster during prime time. And what’s with Elmo and his nighttime humor? Cow chips. Really? Well they did look like cow crap. Richard, I’m sure your daughter will tell you that you didn’t make cookies. Cookie Monster, you were right calling The Professor out on that one. Richard, put down the nitrous oxygen and bake. (YA BURNT?)

I have to explain one of the reasons I love Top Chef so much. Besides being a huge foodie, the knitters on – largest social network for knitters – (From what I can surmise, it’s like Facebook, but for moms.) have several pools that we participate in. I’ve been in a Top Chef pool since the very beginning, and I’ve yet to win the big prize. Each knitter is assigned a chef and if your chef wins, each of the 16-17 participating knitters has to buy the winner gifts totaling $25. This is huge! During the season with Stephen, I was so close I thought it was a foregone conclusion that I’d get about $400 worth of prizes. For the All-Stars season we decided not to bet on who would win Top Chef but who would win the Quick Fire from week to week. I don’t even gamble, but that’s a lot of yarn! This season, each person will spend between $4-7 on coveted knitting patterns for the winner.

Antonia is my quick fire chef this week – again, and she’s in the top two. With Dale – again. I felt that I’d win this week until Dale’s name was called. Crap – Dale won again!!! Stupid potato chips. Now I have to fork over $4-7. (THE HUMANITY!) Congratulations to mrsmama for winning! I’m not bitter at all. The competitive knitter in me is devastated. (Being a competitive knitter is apparently a thing you can be.) And now I’ve found out that they’ll be no more bets for the rest of the season. (Something in Ravelry’s terms of service about GAMBLING RINGS?) I guess I have to watch the rest of the season for the fun of it. Since there’s no vested interest in me winning the big prize, I really don’t care who wins. They’re all great chefs.

I could’ve actually stopped watching the show after the quick fire. But if I did, I would’ve missed the MichaelAngelo bromance. Is it too late to get Dale for next week? Right, I forgot: no more bets. The elimination challenge is a huge disappointment for me. Who came up with this? Why wouldn’t they let the chefs bring their knives? (It’s called product placement, mom.) They had to shop for everything. Even though I promised I wouldn’t do a Gabe, I can’t resist. (I couldn’t risk my mom butchering the inside jokes. You have no idea how many groups of people she’s placed inside of purses and pockets.) Shop, shop, shop. Run, run, pant, stop, breathe, run, cook, have a little bromance. Whatever!

Why is Dale grabbing boxes of irons? I fear he’ll be brilliant again. Goofy Carla, who I love, might go home. I can sense it. I think we all can. When did Angelo grow a beard and why is he feeding Mike over and over again? “Taste my salty soup.” Nice to see Ming Tsai, who happened to be a contestant on 2nd season of The Next Iron Chef. Watching the chefs cook the food they’ve shopped for is pretty cool. I shop at Target all the time and my food doesn’t turn out like that. Wait, why did Mike pat Angelo on the butt?

Time for the judges’ table – eat, snark. Dale, Antonia and Richard are on top. One of them will win $25K. I really hope Dale doesn’t get it. I’m still bitter. Alas, he wins the big prize. Carla, weirdly-dressed Angelo (She kept going on about his tall socks and tiny knees.) and Tiffany are in the bottom. Maybe Mike was into how weird Angelo was dressed. Basically all their food is bad. (We can’t actually taste the food, so they could be lying, mom!) I really don’t care who goes home, but I don’t it want it to be Carla. Oh wait, they all start crying at the table. Even Angelo!

In the end, poor poor alien-Angelo goes home *another Gabe reference*. I didn’t know cooking was so emotional. I’m still peeved I didn’t win. This episode was a bust. I really wanted to blog about Jimmy Fallon last week. I even had the perfect title, “Let Me Play With Your Food”. You get the joke if you watch Jimmy. Can I have a do-over?

To sum up:
• Dumb episode.
• Knitting and food – totally works especially if I win something.
• Mike/Angelo = gross.
• Jimmy Fallon rules!
• Boy, do I miss Eric Ripert as a judge. (Mom, you didn’t mention this AT ALL. But she thinks he’s hot, even with that giant mouth).